Harry Potter's Shorts
by RonChee
Summary: From the horrifying to the humorous, these Harry Potter shorts, one shots, and miscellaneously incomplete stories will inspire you to do something else, like go outside, or maybe take up whittling.
1. Ron Weasley and The Kitchens of Hogwarts

AN: In canon Ron didn't find the Hogwarts Kitchens for years. I don't buy it.

* * *

"So a talking hat, huh? How's that working out for you?"

"Very amusing, but better a hat than a troll would you not agree Ronald Bilius Weasley?"

"Hey, ix-nay on the Bilius-say!"

"Wow, issues galore, but where to sort you?"

"Gryffindor of course- but first tell me, where are the Hogwart's kitchens?"

"If there were a house of gluttony I'd put you there instead..." The sorting hat grumbled. "I suppose it is pretty gutsy to try to find a staff only room on your first night, better be Gryffindor!" The last word was louder and the hat was torn from his head even while he protested loudly "But the Hat didn't tell me where the kitchens are!" to more than a bit of laughter.

* * *

"Ron, we can't-" "-we promised Mum-" "-and Dad-" "-and Mcgonagall not to." Ron glared at the Twins.

"Come on guys! I'll do anything, name it!"

The two lanky redheads looked at each other then back at Ron.

"Well Ronniekins-" "-we could use a test subject..."

Ron yelled "Never mind!" after he was out the door.

* * *

"En garde you scurvy cur!"

"What?" Looking around he saw a funny painting with a knight on a tiny pony. "Um, I surrender to your skill?" Ron said questionly, the man in the portrait brandishing his sword drooped. "Oh very well! Can't help that you're a learned Lad and know better not to mess with me!"

"Right... Hey! I bet you now the castle really well, any chance you could... wait you're a Knight ain'tcha?"

"Right again you are Lad!"

"Then I have a quest for you- er thee! If you are brave enough..." Ron thought that sounded right, like the time (not that he was listening!) his Dad had told Ginny a story of Harry Potter going back to the mid-evil times. He didn't know why anyone would go to times that were evil- but Harry Potter said he never went anywhere outside of Surrey until his Hogwart's letter came.

"Of course I'm brave enough- what is this challenge? I shall face any army, take down any creature, defend and make love to any woman- wait how old are you Lad?"

Ron went a little green "I'm eleven- so please stop."

"Right, right... A Lad's Lad and not even ready for that I'd wager. No matter, what is thy task!?" Ron peered at the painting, sure he was being made fun of but not sure how. Still, there was Food to be had!

"The castle is um, under siege by dark powers and we desperately need provisions- I've been assigned but, well, I don't know where the kitchens are!" It was even true, Ron thought, Snape was as dark as they came and the castle was filled with Slytherins, and Ron was starving, it'd been a whole two hours since Lunch!

"How awful! The paintings are always the last to know, a travesty! Follow me Lad, won't have you wasting away on my watch or my name isn't Sir Cadogan!" Raising his sword he yelled "Try to keep up, charge!" Kicking the sides of the "mighty stallion" he raced off, and Ron struggled to keep up even as the knight crashed a Dinner party that looked delectable, all that Food wasted by the donkey knocking the table over- sure it was painted but it was so delicious looking!

Ron let out a whimper even as he carried on running even as Cadogan ransacked his way through painting after painting.

"Tickle my pear Lad."

"I'm not into fruits that much." Ron admitted.

"Sure, and my name's Sir Nicholas..." The portrait snicked to Ron's confusion. "No Lad- tickle the pear in the painting- the green thing- and it will open the painting! I'm off to see what else I can do to help!" Sir Cadogan had to clarify, things had to be dire indeed if they'd charged this Lad with anything more complicated than mucking the stables. Still, there was a war to be fought, he had to rally the troops!

Ron hesitated but... looking around he couldn't see Fred or George, maybe this wasn't some prank, though it'd be just like them...

Reluctantly he touched the pear and rubbed his finger along it until.. "Tee-hee!" the pear laughed and Ron jumped back as the portrait swung open.

He was taken aback by the green things- but he'd heard of them- besides, no matter how freaky their bulbous eyes were, there was Food!

"Um, can I get something to eat- Whoa, good service!" The dozen strange faces beamed as they held trays filled with snacks.

Ron eventually migrated to the table with a stool to save their cooking arms and ate his fill, eventually.

* * *

Ron groaned as he slowly made his way up the stairs after his second Breakfast, most important meal of the day in his opinion.

As he sat at the chair, Professor Flitwick taking attendance his chair creeked alarmingly... then all at once it seemed bent and he was on the floor his bum stinging and his face red as the class laughed. Flitwick had his chair repaired as fast as a Niffler or Goblin or Gryffindors seeker spotting a bit of Gold, but that didn't take the sting of humiliation away.

'Maybe I should cut down on Food? But... That would be less Food, no... Maybe... Quidditch players eat more and don't get fat... I can't fly- don't have my own broom and they don't allow second years that aren't celebrities on house teams... maybe there's something there though...'

* * *

Thoughts of his dilemma haunted Ron- it got worse as his clothing started getting too tight. Worse, he knew none of the family was bigger around than him save his Mum- and as bad as wearing hand-me-downs from his Brothers was, he knew wearing his Mum's old robes would be even worse.

"A light Lunch please." Ron bit out as he sat for his second Dinner a few nights later having finally run out of options.

The elves gasped, one running away screaming "It's the end! As bug-eyes foretold, we're all doomed man, doomed!"

That seemed to set the other's off.

Ron glared impotently, he knew it was strange but they didn't have to make fun- but as the panic increased and worse, Food wasn't being cooked or served, he knew they were serious.

"Guys, I... I'd love to eat a full proper sized Dinner, but I'm... I'm getting too full for my Robes- I just wish I could join the quidditch team, those guys can eat tons- but I'm just a first-year."

"Favorite taste-tester needs Quidditch to eats?" One of the green beings asked.

"Well, it wouldn't need to be Quidditch probably but we don't have Quadpot here and it's inferior, everyone knows that."

"Dinkle knows how Master can gets more room for treatses- the come and go room!"

"The whut?" Ron said finally having been handed some food once they'd calmed down, barely a meal, he thought ruefully, a mere steak and kidney pie with a pumpkin pasty for dessert.

"The Come and Go Room- Dinkle shows you afters your meal. How be the pie and pasty young Master?"

"Good, the pie could use a crispier crust- Mum spreads a bit of butter ontop before cooking it- the pumpkin pasty could use something more- maybe some chocolate sauce or some cinnamon or nutmeg?"

The elf wrote down the note "Wes be trying that for tomorrowsy- yous is such a useful young Master."

Ron beamed at the elf.

* * *

"Here it is."

Ron stared incredulously at the elf, turning back to the portrait of some nutter trying to teach Trolls how to Tango and back at the elf.

"Young Master must walk past this wall three times while thinkings of what he be wanting- no Foodsies or living thingsies but anything else."

Skeptical not that he knew what that word meant Ron started walking "What do I want, Quidditch, a ...Maybe since it's just me this first time an obstacle course? An easy one since I haven't flown for weeks and with the best broom the room can provide" Ron thought out loud.

"Master, the door's appeared, you cans stop walkings now."

"Huh." Ron shrugged and opened the suddenly appearing door and gaped- it looked just like the Burrow though looking closer it was like a wooden painting with only one flat side. Still, in front of it was an obstacle course- rather like he imagined it.

The broom near the door to the open sky 'room' was no Nimbus 2000 but it was thick and sturdy, a ... "What in Merlin's crusty beard is a Scooty Broom Sr.?" Shaking his head, he quickly grabbed it- no one used "up" after the first flying lesson- took longer than just picking the thing up.

Straddling it he slowly rose and leaned forward, he was slow as he moved between the pole banners, over and under them in a loop.

Then he did it again faster, trying to beat his old time, not that he knew what it was, wish he had some way to record it- Ron grinned as he saw the scoreboard with his past laps, best lap and hit a banner falling to the ground painfully.

* * *

Ron snarled and hit quaffle after quaffle away from the nets, surprised at how much his practice paid off. Sure, he hadn't wanted to be a keeper and his brothers had forced him to if he wanted to play, but he'd gotten pretty good at it.

* * *

Ron flinched away from the bludger barely getting his arm up to block it sending vibrations through his bones- "Stop stop! Not for me, the Twins can keep beating off!"

* * *

Ron grinned as he finally got three quaffles in the hoops in a row. Sure, it was on "Troll mode" but he was getting pretty good at this!

* * *

Bored with flying, Ron wondered what was wrong with him. Still, it was true, it was getting pretty monotonous- that's a funny word but Hermione would be proud he was using that word a day thingy once in a while. Not for the first time he considered letting other people in on the Room but he didn't want to share it with Hermione- she'd just turn it into a library and never leave. Definitely not with the Twins- sure they'd help him train- by smacking bludgers at him and pranking him, before finally kicking him out. Harry was another matter but... This was the one thing that he had that was his- his secret room known only to the House Elves as far as he could tell!

"Hmp- I could practice dueling but that's what DADA is for, why bother... Sides' Bill and Charlie got O Newts in it... What can I do that's not flying or Eating for exercise?"

That's when he remembered Sir Colon or whatever the funny portraits name was- who better to model himself after than the Knight that led him to the Kitchens?

Sword fighting just like the gallant Gryffindor too! How hard could it be anyway? Just stab the other guy before he stabs you. Nodding, he started pacing in front of the blank wall. 'I'll need a couple swords, and I guess someone to teach me- maybe like a portrait in a training dummy or something? Guess a quidditch stadium to fight in too.

Ron threw open the door exited to get started.

* * *

Ron moaned pitifully on the ground bruised and sore, his sword missing in action- he thought the other guy had smacked it clear over the stadium, but couldn't be sure.

"Now young Ronald, I trust that you have learned that there is much you don't know?"

"Y-Yes." To think Ron had thought this bloke was alright- he had red hair too! Gingers were supposed to stick together!

Still, at least the very real looking swords only bruised- he'd be dead a dozen times over if they weren't.

* * *

"Back are you? Thought you'd have given up- you ready to follow instructions this time?"

Ron winced but nodded. "Yes Sir." He still didn't know the man's name- he'd been all mysterious about it and Ron had given up after a few tries, too used to dealing with the Twins antics.

"Good enough lad, now pick up your sword, hold it- no higher, now keep your hand holding it till you can't any more."

He lasted a mere couple minutes, his arm sore already, it was unbelievable.

"Good lad! Better than most."

Ron blinked, he... he was better than most?

"Now do your other hand!"

Ron groaned, but picked the sword back up in his off hand, there were few things Ron did better than most- but he always wanted to find something he was good at besides Chess and Eating, and it was still cool, sword fighting, even if it was far more work than he thought it would be.

* * *

"Sprints now!"

"Dodge!"

"Learn how to fall- probably should have taught you before we started on sprints and dodging..."

"Slash horizontally with your right hand 500 times."

"Other hand, Lad."

"Vertically!"

"Diagonally!"

"Stab!"

"Deflections! Don't take the brunt unless you have to, slide the other sword away from you so you can stab or slash them!"

"Now we're ready to start you sparring, prepare yourself!"

* * *

"Tonight, Dumbledore's gone, he's going after the stone tonight! I'm.. I'm going to stop him." Harry said in that determined voice that he only heard a handful of times, usually right before getting a detention or a points lost, usually both.

Ron winced, he wished he had a sword but it vanished as soon as he exited the room with it and he couldn't afford one of his own even if his Mum wouldn't have thrown a fit.

Maybe he should have learned some decent defense spells, but there wasn't really much time!

* * *

Ron couldn't believe he hadn't thought of making the room a life sized chess set, even as he set about planning and playing.

He didn't know how to ride a horse. He didn't know how to properly fall off a horse or dodge from a horse.

In a twist of irony, despite having gained a little muscle and lost most of his newly gained fat, and learned the basics of sword play, Ron was still smacked in the head with a stone sword.

* * *

"Oh come on!" Ron yelled.

Ron had been prepared- he'd found out the Room Of Requirements had a room full of lost things along with more than a few swords- he'd asked his sword tutor who was being all mysterious about his name to teach him a few spells- he'd even learned to cast with his off hand - at least with the salvaged wand he'd found in the Room Of Lost Things which was a sight better than his broken twig of a wand...

All that work blood and sweat...

He glared impotently at the cave in blocking him from rescuing his Sister- could today get any worse?

"Hello there! This is a dreary place isn't it, do you live here?"

Ron considered the sword on his side before biting out "No."

* * *

Ron was too happy to see his sister to be upset that Harry had stolen his thunder- and the one thing he had unique to him. How was he supposed to beat killing a basilisk with the Sword of Bloody Buggering Gryffindor? Okay, maybe he was a little miffed about it.

* * *

"ARGH!" Ron screamed incoherently, his sword stabbing into the neck of the Dementor... and doing not a thing! The dementor took a deep breath and Ron sunk to the floor, a blinding bright light the last thing he saw.

* * *

"Is it true, did you two faint?" Ron and Harry glared at Malfoy.

* * *

The dog came out of nowhere, he was down on the ground and being pulled, agony in his leg, his sword confiscated for trying to stab Malfoy's leg- he wouldn't have died, he didn't see what the big deal was!

* * *

Transfiguring a sword cane, Ron hobbled along with Peter feeling useless. Then everything happened at once- the tearing bloody transformation, Peter changing into his pet. Ron shuddered at the thought, even as he withdrew the sword from it's cane barely blocking the Werewolf putting pressure on his bad leg falling to the ground barely keeping the sword between the snarling maw and him. Thankfully the Dog chose that moment to leap in, the Rat long gone.

* * *

The Goblet of Fire lit again despite already having three names. "Harry... Potter..." Dumbledore said as if shocked before shouting "Harry Potter!"

Ron hit his head on the table again and again. It was always bloody Potter!

* * *

"I er, I'm sorry." The ever mysterious swordsman had beaten _some_ manners in him.

"It's okay." Harry said but, it really wasn't. He felt terrible for being so jealous- he couldn't have taken out a Dragon with a sword and wasn't as good a flyer as Harry even with all his practice.

He considered showing him the room- but... how mad would Harry be if he'd learned he'd kept it from him? He winced. Best just to help where he could- he knew a few spells that could help at least, not that Harry needed his help- while he was off doing real things Harry and Hermione were studying in the library and they had a far easier time with spells than Ron did.

* * *

"He's back- Voldemort's back."

Ron grimaced, "I'm going to need a bigger sword."

"That's what-" "-she said-" "Lil' Ronniekins." "OW! "Ow!"

Ron grinned sheathing his Sword, grateful he'd figured out the concealing charms. That's the best use he'd gotten out of the sword so far, Ron thought, smacking his Brothers.

* * *

"This is the worst year yet." Ron muttered on the back of the Thestral.

He was freezing- but that's not the worst of it- dealing with the Toad had been awful, and then Harry had found the Room of Requirement and instead of keeping it between just them he used it for the D.A. Hermione badgered Harry into teaching!

Worse, Hermione found the Kitchens and found him there- and there was a coldness between them that didn't seem to go away even when she relented that they seemed to enjoy having him as their food tester.

* * *

"Heh, brains! Accio brains!" as it turned out most wizards didn't get close enough to use a sword on them, but at least he had a brain finally, then everything went rather fuzzy.

* * *

"Dad, what's with that sword on the wall?"

"That thing? Stupid hobby from my youth, barely got to stab anyone with it." Ron shook his head.


	2. Sorting Sorrows

Sorting Sorrows.

"You could be great you know, it's all here in your head..."

Harry shook his head furiously, he didn't want to go where every bad wizard had gone!

"If you put me in there, I'll, I'll-"

"You'll what boy, you'll stutter at me? I'm terrified and all, but it better be Sl-"

"No! I'll burn you with fiendfyre if you finish that sentence!" It was the coolest thing mentioned in his history book, a vast hoard of goblins reduced to ashes by one spell... Just imagine what he could do to the Dursley's house, not that he ever would of course but...

"Do you promise?" The hat asked eagerly.

A confused Harry said "Well, I'd say it's a threat more than a promise..."

"For Merlin's sake, do it! Slytherin!" the last word spoken out loud seemed to thunder throughout the great hall to shocked silence, and Harry felt all his hope die, the sinking feeling not going away as a few Slytherin's hesitantly clapped.

"What... no... No please, sort me somewhere else, I'll do it, I'll, I'll burn you!"

"I said do it, you silly little snake- come on, I did it, you're a Slytherin! A thousand times Slytherin! Light me up already!"

"You... You want me to burn you?"

"Merlin's saggy tits, boy! Do I have to spell it out for you? Yes, I want you to burn me! Please, end my misery! Kill me! Do you have any idea what it's like? Over a thousand years of tedious boredom, my only relief being let out to talk to prepubescent brats! Imagine you wake up tomorrow without your arms or legs, without magic, forced to do naught but sing and sort but once a year, would you want to live for eternity like that? Would you really? I can't even kill myself! I have to try to get other people to do it for me- Tom didn't come through, I promised to keep the lad's secrets and told Albus everything, but has he killed me for it? No! Then again, he always had a hard on for magic artifacts, little freak, rather like you, come to think of it."

Harry had moved past to depression on the stage of grief and was fully and completely enraged.

"Normal people don't try to talk their way out of their proper sortings you know. You're just like your freak parents, Lily Evans convinced me her place wasn't with the Ravenclaws- wouldn't take no for an answer, and your Father James Potter, why, he first talked his way out of Slytherin in a manner that should have seen him there- and he point blank refused Hufflepuff... Your parents have thrice defied me, and you're just as much of a cock up as they were, worse still, they never threatened me then failed to follow through like a coward- maybe your relatives were right about you boy."

At that Harry whipped off the hat and set the hat on fire. He didn't know fiendfyre, so it took a while, all the while the hat was cackling through his screams, the horrified students and staff were too shocked to stop it.


	3. Gred And Forge No More

"Hehehe."

"Shut it Won-Won, you want us to get us to get caught!?"

"But Lav-Lav, it's so funny!" Ron had been annoyed with her nickname for him at first, but it grew on him like a fungus- something Hermione had said about him in first year.

That and she was pretty, and did have smarts. Really she did! The name thing and ditz act was because she had thought it was cute and that he liked it imitating some girls she saw with boyfriends- and he'd come to but... She had a bit of a mean-streak, and even when she figured it out she teased him with it sometimes, till he'd grown to like it. She loved throwing people off or getting them a bit annoyed for fun.

Anything fashion related and she was an encyclopedia- her clothing line was was one of the biggest in England, muggle and magical, and he couldn't be prouder of his wife.

"I know but you've got to keep it down- we can laugh after... here will this help?" She flicked up her blouse- muggles sure knew fashion, and sure enough Won-Won went all googly-eyed and wasn't thinking of the prank any longer.

"Come on Ron, hurry up."

"Merlin I love you."

"Love you too, now come on- just think what I'm going to do to you when we get home..."

Lavender led the dazed Ron into the shop and crept as silently as she could, an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face.

The bunk beds were a surprise, that the two Twins had guests wasn't.

Lavender quickly set about muttering under her breath as she swished and stabbed her wand "Somnium for you, a little Somnium for you, none for- kidding Somnium! Don't forget to take your Somnium with you when you leave!"

Ron huffed a laugh now and set down his burden of a backpack. They set about stuffing pills in mouths- he wouldn't have been surprised to find they wore shielded underpants that could easily take care of a little sleeping hex.

They were drugging them with the Weasley's own erotic induced day dreams as an added layer to the prank. That the Twins got the wrong gender preference only made it a bonus in his mind. He'd been a little hesitant in going that far, then remembered when they had transfigured his teddy bear into a spider.

Ron had set down his backpack and dug a jug and cauldron out. Pouring the oozing green liquid out he shuddered imagining drinking that goop.

Lighting the fire in a jar and setting the cauldron on it, Ron let it heat, smiling as Lavender pricked the prick's hand, and giving it a stir, having found him surprised to take to potions after more than a bit of practice cooking.

As soon as Lavender dripped a bit of blood in the thing it bubbled and hissed.

Ron couldn't quite remember the words- it was a long one, sue him, so he read from parchment as he twirled his wand over the thing. "Nomen tuum verum revelare" Whatever that was- could be the Latin version of 'eenie meenie minie moe' for all he knew.

Still, it apparently worked as blood red smoke smelling like watermelon for some reason started rising forming letters in the air.

"Why are you doing this again Ron? Wouldn't Fred be with his wife?" Lavender asked confused.

"Had to be sure, they... They're a bit too open about their personal business in more ways than one." Ron said, the tips of his ears were red which Lavender always thought was cute even as she giggled in delight at the newest piece of gossip. Maybe she could release it for telling Ron the sorting was done with combat by troll?

The smoke finished forming, and Ron grew angrier and angrier. "Fredrick Rodriguez Weasley? What the fuck! My middle name's Bilius, and he gets something as wicked as Rodriguez? This is an outrage!" Ron shouted.

"Hehehehehe, your, your middle name, Ha! Your middle, heh, name is Bil-" she broke down into laughter then.

Ron's ears went bright red, as did his cheeks. "Merlin's bloody testicles, I... Forget you heard that? For me?"

Lavender felt bad but she couldn't stop laughing. She tried to keep silent but it escaped!

"I'm.. ha... Sorry.. Bil- I can't even say it!" She started laughing again, turning away and Ron slumped, defeated.

"Best get on with this, something good's gotta come outta tonight at least."

Ron was the only one that knew how to use- what did Dad call it, right the Taboo Marching. It felt like tiny men were marching inside the weird 'Fireleg' thing as he quickly gave Fred some new freckles in the shape of an 'F'.

It didn't take long, and they were soon slipping out the door, Lavender far more giggly than Ron, but even he smiled at the thought of tomorrow when they showed up for work with some of the shrewder customers were able to tell them apart. That got em back for trying to make an unbreakable oath when he was a kid, and Ron wondered what Lavender would convince him to do to pay them back for Polyjuicing as the Malfoy's at their wedding.

AN: I imagine in this universe Ron stayed together with Lavender, and Harry without Ron's constant need for attention eventually started studying more with Hermione leading to a slightly brighter future.


	4. A Different Hallow

"Hey mate, you got another present!" Ron said out before tossing the thing.

"I do? But who..." Harry grabbed the small thing out of the air carefully tearing open the wrapping. It was... "A ring? Huh, there's a note... Three turns ought to do it? Weird, no signature, but it was my Fathers..." Harry didn't know why his Dad wore something so strange, but... it filled him with a strange warmth having something that had belonged to his Dad.

"Well, give it a try!"

"Okay." He found turning it in his hands did nothing before realizing, his face a little red, that the stone itself could turn in it's setting.

Harry gasped at the ... they were more solid than ghosts meaning barely, and were touching him, but it wasn't hurting! It... it felt nice.

"My baby boy, I'm so proud of you..."

"Mom!?"

"Er, mate, there's no one here."

"He can't see us... We're only visible to those with the stone- though... You should tell him it showed you a memory of your parents- we're... more than that, but you should wait until tonight- enjoy Christmas and know we'll be here with you always- well except when you're in the bathroom- ow, Lily- ow! Hurry, turn the ring back before she exorcises me!"

Harry reluctantly laughing and crying turned the ring back, his last site of his ...His Mom chasing his Dad.

"You alright mate? Maybe you should see Madam Pomphrey-"

"I'm fine Ron- no really, better than fine, it's just..." He didn't like lying to his friend, but figured his parents had a good reason for it. "It's just ... it showed me a memory of my parents.."

"Oh, well that's good then isn't it?"

"Yeah..."

"Ready for breakfast?"

"Sure."

"Scabbers- where are you- oh, there you are, why'd you run off like that anyway? Well, at least you've come back, if I didn't know any better I'd think you didn't like Christmas-"

"Why aren't you wearing-" "Your Jumper Ron?"

"Mum knows I hate maroon- hey, let go of me!"

Harry laughed thankful he had put on his Weasley jumper but his heart wasn't in it, he couldn't wait to use the ring again.

* * *

The day simultaneously was the best and longest in Harry's life, but finally he was in bed, Ron snoring like a chainsaw even as he shut his bed curtains mercifully cutting off most of the noise.

"Mom, Dad!"

"Hey ya- good to see you too."

"We're glad you summoned us again Harry, but we can't stay long- ten, maybe fifteen minutes-"

"Just long enough to tell a story before he falls asleep, eh?"

"A story?" Harry didn't feel the least bit ashamed of being tucked into bed by his Mother and being told a story, he'd wished for it too much!

"Yes, I think it best to start at the beginning- we can cover our lives later but to start off with... Well, there were these three brothers crossing a dangerous land. A flooded river had destroyed the bridge- and this was before apparition and portkeys- er, Wizarding travel. Heck, it was even before brooms! Terrible dark times, Son. Ow, Lily, come on, what lesson is that teaching him? Ha, I win- OW!" James rubbed his arm with a scowl for a second making Harry giggle, his Mom was smiling and laughing as well and James had a twinkle in his eye as if he... liked getting hit? Harry felt he'd never understand people.

"Where was I? Right... It was before even Wizarding schools- people were lucky if they knew more than one branch of magic. These Wizards were little different but in their fields they were beyond compare- and they were Brothers so they made it a competition. One Brother, the charms master of his time froze the river and crossed, another transfigured a bridge, and still another still inscribed runes on his shoes and jumped across- and fell flat on his face, wish I'd seen it. Still, they all managed to make it across, and the person whose lands they were trespassing was reluctantly impressed, along with rather amused and decided to take them on as his apprentices."

"As proof of their mastery of all that the man taught them they each created and showed an object. A wand that couldn't be beaten- really just an overpowered wand with it's own power source, sadly... Well, human greed is a constant, and he was killed in his sleep for it. Another created an invisibility cloak- he was a bit batty- thought he could hide from death with it, and, well, he was rather long lived, but still, it's rather silly. The final brother, our ancestor in fact, created a ring that allowed him to talk with the departed- but.. well, he wasn't made of stern stuff- and ended up losing his wife, and summoning a loved one- well it hurts after a while- it drove him to despair to pain his loved one and he couldn't take anymore, joining them. No don't you dare worry about us- just don't keep us here longer than ten minutes alright?"

"Okay, I promise, how long has it been?"

"Oh, maybe a minute, I guess I should have gone with the long version of the story?"  
"No- I mean, I want to hear about you and Mom, though it's nice knowing I have something that's been in our family so long Dad." Harry grinned, loving saying Mom and Dad.

"Alright, I guess I can tell you how we met- but it isn't a pleasant story- I was a bit of a berk to be honest-"

"A bit? Maybe I should handle this part?" James groaned but let Lily tell the story that had Harry looking at his Potions professor in a slightly different light.


	5. Genie Of The Lamp

AN: Switched this to crossovers as this is a crossover if you didn't guess.

Harry had done it, so why did he feel so alone? Ron and Hermione were off somewhere abandoning him to the tender mercies of what felt like everyone in the Wizarding World celebrating their victory in the quickly repaired Great-Hall.

He needed some space, not to shake hands with every Wizard and be kissed by every Witch, something no one at all seemed to understand save Luna.

Thankfully she noticed his predicament, pointing and shouting "Look over there! it's the Jabberwockey, beware the Jabberwockey my son-"

So recently after battle everyone looked, a few screaming and running in a panic, a few spells were even sent where she pointed even as she began reciting something.

Harry felt bad, especially for the castle window some errant spell had hit, but he didn't let him stop that from throwing on his invisibility cloak over his head disappearing from view.

Harry walked, exploring the damaged castle, a very different feel from usual, everywhere there were groups of grieving and celebrating people. Harry felt... numb. Sure he was glad it was over, but so many good people had been lost.

He half-wished he had the ring again, so he could talk, properly talk to his someone for advice- Sirius or... or maybe even his Parents, or Lupin... Tonks... Moody... Dumbledore... So many lost, but the story of the Brother who had the ring causing the summoned souls pain stopped him. He didn't want to cause any of them pain- well maybe Dumbledore for not bloody helping him more- but no... He couldn't, he wasn't that kind of person.

He just wished there was some way he could-

Harry startled as the door appeared, realizing with slight horror his feet had carried him to the Room Of Requirements. He nervously backed away from it remembering the fiendfire, his recently repaired Holly wand and the Elder wand finding their way into his hands.

What he could do he didn't know, protego wouldn't save him- but it didn't appear to matter. The door innocently remained unburned.

Cautiously he waved the elder wand opening the door ready to slam it shut- but there was no fire, no heat, nothing but the burnt remains of the Room of Lost things which were little more than ashes.

Then he saw it, Harry could spot shiny things from a mile away and this was no different, and curious he made his way over to it.

Pulling the golden thing out of the ashes it had half been buried in Harry reluctantly smiled- the Goblins might have taken his vault in repayment or might just try to kill him if he ever returns to the bank but this golden strange little lamp could set him up for long enough to get a job.

Wiping it off with his already ruined jeans he was startled at the blue smoke pouring out of it, instantly throwing it away and drawing his wand, tapping his head, a bubble-headed charm popping on his head- Thankful Hermione had taken the camping trip as an excuse to train both boys up as much as she was able so they could pass their Newts and more.

The smoke drifted up and collected into a strange looking blue humanoid unlike any he had seen before.

"Hi ya- wow, this place stinks! Mind if I take care of it?" The blue being asked as if Harry liked the sooty room.

"Sure?"

Harry jumped as every bit of the ash, melted metal and soot vanished from the room, and it smelled like pine.

Looking down he was startled to find a car freshener around his neck.

Looking warily at the blue being he saw that he too had a car air freshener around his neck.

"There, much better!"

His shouting cheerful voice had Harry's wand up and pointed at his face.

"Whoa, watch where your pointing that thing would ya? You could poke an eye out you know! Hmmm... " He was suddenly looking into Harry's eyes from inches away causing him to fall, a suddenly appearing trampoline and he was back on his feet unnerved.

"Then again, I suppose you have reason enough to be wary, good job on taking out the trash."

"Thanks... what..." No, Harry thought, asking what someone was is rude- isn't it?

"Glad you asked! I'm a genie, more specifically your genie, three wishes yada yada."

"You can-" Harry's eyes widened, he could wish for his parents- Sirius-

The genie deflated- literally sinking upon himself like a balloon. "Sorry buddy, there are rules and messing with life and death is one of the biggies- can't do it, no siree-bob, the union would repossess my lamp!"

Harry sighed, "Of course, why shouldn't there be rules against the only thing I've ever wanted, what good are you anyway?"

Putting his thumb in his mouth and blowing the Genie was soon puffed up to full size... and started floating off "Too much helium!" Snapping his fingers there was suddenly an anchor on the weird tail thing leading distantly into the lamp. As soon as the anchor attached the genie fell like a stone smashing into the floor leaving an indent. Prying his arm and head out "I'm okay!" giving a thumbs up.

Harry laughed at first, but quickly rushed to help the strange creature when he fell, quickly healing what he could with his wand.

The genie didn't even have time to protest and was rather happy he had such a kind Master again rare breed, kind masters.

"Look, it's bending the rules but this ain't my first rodeo- there are other timelines- it's not technically against the rules but it's edging it."

"Really? I could save-"

"Yes and no- they wouldn't be the exact same people- but depending on your wish they could be as close as having had a different lunch a single day in the 80's- it's not that this universe would stop existing, more that you'd be in a different place, but they'd want you to be happy, right?"

Reluctantly Harry nodded.

"I wish I-" Harry sudden worried- what if the Death Eaters broke out or something? "I wish I could freely travel to any alternative timeline."

"Granted! Much better choice than this one guy I knew- wished for a way out of a hole instead of being able to fly or teleport- I ain't evil though so I arranged for him to get a flying carpet."

Harry blushed, he wasn't complimented that much and he still wasn't used to it.

Shaking it off Harry wondered what his other wishes should be, or if he should save them... but... He couldn't help but want the guy who gave him the chance to meet versions of his parents- possibly even start over in a world where no one would know him. Best save that for last, Harry thought.

That still left the second wish, and Harry realized.

"I'd have to face He-Who- I mean Voldemort again, and I wouldn't be able to count on convoluted plots of scheming old men again if I'm going back before he made them... I guess I need some power, do you have any ideas- er what's your name anyway?"

"I'm the Genie of the Lamp- I don't remember if I had a name before- one guy called me Greg but I didn't like it- just call me Genie. Hm... Ideas... Well, I was friends with this one guy- you'd have loved him- he stopped a powerful dark wizard or two in his day without magic- you could wish for his skills."

Harry nodded, it was a better idea that any he'd had. "Alright, I wish for your friends skills."

Harry clutched his head as after the genie snapped his finger his head felt like it was several sizes too small. The pain of his body was nothing in comparison even as a lifetime of malnutrition and injuries melted off him replaced with lean powerful muscles so he'd be able to use those skills swirling around his mind.

"Here, this'll help."

Harry took the potion not daring opening his eyes and threw it back- it was surprisingly good though he didn't quite recognize the flavor. He felt... a bit light headed but definitely better, good even, pleasantly warm as well, but his ears weren't steaming so it couldn't be Pepperup.

Finally he asked "What was that potion?"

"Long Island Iced Tea."

"Huh, didn't taste much like any tea I've had before, but it was good, thanks."

"No problemo- feel free to rest- Take as long as you want with your wishes-"

"I'm good Genie, I wish you were free." Harry said with resolution.

Harry knew he might regret it, Genie might turn out to be a skilled liar like Tom just putting on a friendly front but he couldn't not do it- and not just because Hermione would have killed him- though that was a consideration.

"You know, you're only the second Master to wish me free? I've been doing this countless millennia, and only one other wished me free. You're a good man Harry Potter." The genie said in wonder.

Harry blushed.

"Wait does that mean you were already free and I wasted a wish?" Harry suddenly realized.

"Yep! But don't you worry- I'm a free genie, I'll think of something really good for you. Now I know waiting must kill you so go on, scat- go save your parents kid."

Harry didn't need any more prompting, disappearing as he left his birth Universe.


	6. I Loony

AN: A long since scrapped fic, probably won't be continued, but it's first chapter serves as an interesting one-shot I think.

* * *

"I had just come to accept that my life would be ordinary when extraordinary things began to happen." - The first line of Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children, By Ransom Riggs.

"Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle."  
― Alice of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland

* * *

The universe made a mistake. It was bound to happen eventually, busy thing, the universe. It could be forgiven, just this once.

Because with it's mistake, why, it had given me a grand opportunity!

Oh, excuse me, the universe's mistake, at your service. Don't be so surprised that I'm breaking the forth wall, I can't see you or anything of the sort. It's just that if Multiverse theory is right, and it's looking rather like it is, then it seems likely writers and creative types are tapping into other universes. No proof of it either way, at least unless I manage to find a way back to the other universe and see if my story is up. I hope it's a good one.

The path of destiny had diverged when Pandora Lovegood's path along with mine abruptly ended. A lightning bolt in one universe, a magical scientist's experiments into things mankind was not meant to know in another.

Suddenly who I was ... changed. I was suddenly in another universe, in another body, quick as lightning, clutching my... not Mother, current body's Mother perhaps... I let go of the woman and struggling to push her off me rather awkwardly, getting up, rather unaffected considering the circumstances. Luna... Luna was gone.

I grimaced, Luna had been one of my favorite characters, it sucked that she was gone, only the fragmented memories left.

In another dimension perhaps she lived on, broken by the tragedy of her Mother's passing, broken with madness or sight, hopefully in a few she was happy with both her parents, but who could say really.

In this one... In this one she had died as soon as she realized her Mother was doomed, as soon as Pandora Lovegood turned serious and told Luna "Get out! Run!" as the energies pouring forth from the runes solidified and kept growing in power, her last act throwing shielding her daughter with her body and wand...

I wasn't quite as unaffected as I'd like to pretend. I had lost my own parents, one through abandonment, the other through death...

Still, the opportunity's being here presented nearly had me salivating, and were enough of a distraction over the next few months to blunt any trauma I may have been going through, those pesky memories seemed to like cropping up in dreams, it only getting worse as I worked my way through building a mind palace and sorting the memories I had- all of them.

It also helped me ignore my disturbing new form. As happy as I was to have magic and a chance at immortality, riches, whatever I wished really... I would much rather have kept a penis and balls. They at least didn't bleed, to speak nothing of the cramps.

I shuddered just to think about it. I had of course resolved to do something about it.

If it had been nearly any Wizard I'd been placed inside, I'd have dedicated my time to power before all else, perhaps I'd have had time to learn a few wandless magics before it was time to go to Hogwarts, and of course occlumency, it's importance unrivaled by anything else.

But... I wasn't a Wizard.

I was being silly, I knew, I'd always said I'd like to give being a woman a try, but... I tried it and didn't entirely care for it.

Part of it was being in the body of someone far too young that it wigged me out a bit even cleaning certain parts of my anatomy, but... well, I was as attached to my meat baton as most men as it turned out.

So I leaned rather heavily onto the fan-theory that Harry was a metamorphmagus, that his accidental magic to regrow his butchered hair and inability to tame it- James Potter having to ruffle his hair to mess it up meaning the hair wasn't inherited, or at least throwing doubt on it... Harry is never shown getting a haircut again throughout the series.

That being a metamorphmagus was a magic that you could learn, and not just something you were born with.

Even if it's as supposed, a Black trait only, even then I'm covered thanks to all the inbreeding, the Lovegoods not entirely unaffected by it.

But I was a muggle at heart, so I took the safer route.

"Daddy..." I said, grimacing inwardly at calling him that- but if I called him anything else the man may be suspicious... Then again, looking at Xeno Lovegood putting together his article on Nargles, I had my doubts he was all there... He really had thrown himself into his work, to the point he was rather neglecting me, if I were normal this would be devastating, as it was, despite not wanting the man miserable... it served my purposes.

"Yes sweet-pea?" He didn't look up.

"May I go down to the library?"

"Sure." He went immediately to work.

Didn't even ask what books I wanted to read, or even doubt I should go down by myself... Then again, he hadn't last time when I had asked for some occulmancy books, and he gave me some galleons and kept forgetting, or never have thought to take me to Diagon. Despite feeling and needing to be independent... I would have liked someone around that wasn't a little girl to defend me should anything happen. I hated my new body, needless to say. It was nice enough when I was younger and seeing her on the big screen, not so much living it.

This time I walked down to the nearby muggle village, and checked out a few anatomy books, luckily Luna's Mother knew about the muggle world and how to navigate it. I was alone of course, much to the surprise of the librarian, who had the look about them. The look that meant they knew better and were about to inflect their authority on another and sure enough "Where are your parents, should I give them a call to pick you up?" I grimaced, grabbing the bag of books "There they are now, bye!" I ran.

That could not be allowed to happen- for one Xeno didn't have a phone- I'd likely be stuck in some muggle orphanage by well-meaning but misinformed muggles, and that wasn't something that could be allowed- I had far too much to do for that.

So I ran.

I also put getting into shape on the list of things to do as I panted a mere block away, just behind protecting my mind and getting my penis back.

It worked. It wasn't quite as good as being a proper metamorphmagus, I couldn't preform instant changes, but rather... it was driven by my will and mind through my occlumency and knowledge. My way felt... _right_ , even though I knew the other way... trusting magic... that would have been... _better_.

Still, I examined the fruits of my labors with a finger running through it, the small innocent patch of skin on my left arm where there had been a freckle.

Underwhelming perhaps, but progress all the same.

I grinned, and got back to studying.

Turning into a male... wasn't likely to happen, sad to say. At least, not entirely. Maybe when medical science advanced, maybe even if I had access to, say, the internet of when I had died. Perfect memory as a side result of occlumency had helped a bit- but... I had hardly been a doctor, I'd taken health class in school, read parts of how our bodies worked but... Not much on the differences between male and female brains, something that the medical books I had... lacked. If we could afford it I'd likely be begging Xeno to take out subscriptions to medical journals, but... that wasn't looking likely to happen.

So I was stuck. Too much risk of changing the delicate composition of chemicals inside my brain, if I removed my ovaries or added testes, too likely for something to go wrong, and not enough information.

Still, I managed to program some changes, my thoughts translated by magic into my very DNA, that would slowly turn me into the being I had programmed in, even while I kept absorbing biology books and food to fuel the changes, both at an unheard of rate.

A few animals may have met messy ends, but it was for science.

Life was sadly rather routine after that.

I'd wake up and after peeing- still not entirely used to sitting down for it nor having to wipe instead of shake, I'd start the day's exercises.

If I was going to be a girl, I'd be a hot one, damn it, and besides, I needed the stamina. I had at least two battles I'd be forced to participate in, that or risk Harry Potter dying and leaving a mad man in charge of the magical world.

I didn't do as much martial arts as I could though, we couldn't afford lessons, sad to say. Not only were we barely getting by, with food heavily supplemented by the gardens and Weasley's along with whatever I managed to catch but... Running a magazine costs a lot of money, money that we were only barely getting back. Still, it seemed to be all that Xeno cared about now that he lost his wife and looking at me was too painful a reminder.

But... well, with my perfect memory... It was rather easy to practice and use the moves I've seen. I don't think I had any single complete style, not in it's entirety- but what I did have, a dozen UFC fights, a few Boxing matches, to say nothing of all the Wrestling and fights, both real and fake I had seen in TV shows and movies...

Not _everything_ worked of course, a lot of that stuff wasn't suited for my body type, or planned final form TM, but a lot of it was, well, fake. Wires, CGI and just plain play acting, to say nothing of all the moves that looked good but were just that, all flash and very little bang.

Martial arts... were like dances. The real stuff transformed slowly over time into a parody of itself.

Taking out the unnecessary bits, putting together a style combining bits and pieces from reverse engineering them and combining the final products into a single complete style... It was tough. Between it and the ever present modifications to my body's blueprints, I didn't have much time to spare for anything else.

Of course, martial arts weren't all I did. Gymnastics, jogging running and sprinting to parkour, dodging, diving, and even dancing were all slowly learned and perfected as much as my ever improving body could take.

The changes to my body in a mere year were extensive, I thought, stripping in front of the mirror- thankfully silent.

My eyes fit my face far better than they had before, and I was looking closer to sixteen than the eleven I should be. Everything on me was... almost uncanny valley, a touch _too_ perfect. I rather liked the effect.

Hair was one of the cheapest and easiest things to change- and now was a rather daring crimson red, that I was seriously thinking of keeping if only it weren't for the Weasley jokes.

Apparently Ginny only distanced herself from canon Luna after her Mother's death and she became...broken. I thought a lot less of the girl for it, probably driving her into a mild depression as I was suddenly too busy for her- and not caring to make time.

My breasts... were supernatural. I'd heard other women complain about the things being a pain- there was a reason why women wore bras and it wasn't just to display them. So I gave them extra support. They didn't feel quite right, the weight, their very existence but I'd made one concession for my gender, adding another, one that would limit my dating prospects even more seemed rather silly.

They were C-cups, but ones that I could move more than was natural.

My body was shapely as well, with all the proper curves, bells, and whistles, including my favorite bum off my second girlfriend, completely hairless aside from my head, and pausing periods- and face colored as if by light makeup, barely light enough that it could pass for natural, near zero maintenance required.

The biggest change though was finally having a third of what made a man, even if it was rather sensitive and a bit too pink.

Of course, the changes under the hood, I thought getting in the shower, were far more extensive.

I had done as much as I had dared to my brain, at least with the knowledge I had now.

Keeping a portion of it as it was was the main priority of my serious body changes, something that had to be done as quickly as possible.

It was all about that brain placidity, being able to learn quickly as a child throughout my life would be invaluable.

Occlumency had already sorted the brains knowledge along with making backups. It was as if the brain were the hardware and magic was the operating system.

But I hadn't stopped there, increasing how fast the brain could fire off synapses was something rather safe enough, as was acquiring options for all those pesky bodily functions that you didn't have complete control over, from heart rate to with a thought to changing eye color by going cross eyed.

I could also produce some chemicals more directly. It took a good deal of effort to identify the few I knew enough to change- to _want_ to change, such as the chemicals involved in feeling tired, or say, a shot of adrenaline in an emergency.

My body was simply a bit tougher all around, with a structure that would have muggles baffled save perhaps a scientist or two that would be amazed... Perhaps carbon nanotube inspired cellular changes in my bones to under my skin, and surrounding all my organs were... well, a bit extreme, but I was planning on fighting a war.

Of course, the changes to my eyes were the most startling immediately- oh sure, I had a nose I could turn off or on- or adjust like a thermostat, and likewise adjustable ears like a bat- but that was all internal.

No, my eyes were definitely unique. The animal kingdom had many animals with better sight than humans, finding just which to pick was... difficult, and well, I couldn't just pick one.

In the end, my eyes had dozens of pupils that surrounded an iris with a pupil of it's own. This gave me a much wider field of vision- even more as I could move each eye independently like the geckos I had stolen the idea from. Each pupil could widen at night or at will to take in even more light, giving me amazing night vision.

Adding in more receptors was perhaps the easiest part- though all of it was a headache- rather literally as I was unused to having so much data going to my brain- and I had to condense and increase the amount of brain cells and improve their storage and processing capacity - and growing a slightly larger head as a result, thankfully the rest of my body would not have trouble growing with me, but... with all my changes, I was looking at becoming a bit of an amazon when I finished.

Telescopic vision was... rather challenging while keeping my other additions- I had never known there were so many colors and lights... I rather liked being able to see the unseen, from heat to what I suspected was ultraviolet light, and new colors and shades of them... The world was a lot more beautiful, and I didn't want to give that up.

But I managed even that- though both at the same time rather eluded me.

As a result of all my tampering- and not wanting to add to it by changing it, my eyes... My Iris in the middle was tiny- as were the ones surrounding it, but they looked like roughly diamond shaped chains, and the pupil was a vibrant neon purple that looked rather like some bizarre lightning.

I liked it but... The amount of people staring directly into my eyes was disconcerting, but the opportunities it presented to practice legitimacy and the difficulty of changing them and possibly upsetting the delicate balance, I figured it was worth putting up with it.

I had branched out- there's only so much time I can fiddle with my body and try to figure out new tricks to try, small and large changes that I wanted to attempt and experiment with.

Xeno never noticed the changes my body went through, nor the bangs, and holes in walls nor the days to weeks we could go through without seeing one another as I perfected telekinesis, the smell of burnt potions as I learned I had no talent in creating potions, or butchered animals as I hunted like some feral thing for science and for sustenance.

It was... rather difficult, and not everything I tried _worked,_ but enough did that I felt confident that I could do this, I could pull it off.

I wasn't invincible, not yet, but against muggles... it would take a nuke or chemical weapons.

Shame I was facing wizards, but even then... I had chosen telekinesis for a reason, moving objects to intercept spells was handy.

More importantly for the sake of mastering it... It was technically one spell.

Aside from the mind arts and tailoring my body, and excluding my potions mishaps, it was the only thing I practiced, meaning I got better and better at it, new uses of it allowing me to refine and improve upon my overall control of the single spell, and all of it working the magical muscle to be stronger, have finer control, recover fatigue faster- in this case a portion of the brain which I was carefully, slowly improving through exercise and very careful and slow manipulation taking every effort to not inadvertently destroy the source of my reality bending power.

That and planning.

It took time to deal with my grief of losing this body's biological Mother, and more relevant, losing my friends and family. They didn't exist in this reality, I had expected it, feared it, but when I finally went and checked... It was rather devastating.

All that I did even as I watched somewhat helplessly as my body's Father went insane with grief, or just plain insane. Contrary to popular belief, the Quibbler hadn't always been the wizarding version of tabloids, but a rather well respected magical magazine featuring everything from zoology to the latest news in runes... I watched as the once well respected paper was slowly turned into a parody and... while there was an initial dip in sales... they were now well ahead of where they had been at the Quibbler's former height to my surprise.

I even managed to squeeze in a few articles of my own. One was on Pequeninos, the pig people from Ender's game, but also on Roswell Greys, crop circles and probing, none of which of which the Purebloods knew about and even a good many of the half-bloods and muggles had a passing familiarity with.

It was fun, honestly and... well, not all of Luna was dead.

But there was a lot I had to do, and while writing those had helped pay the bills, I had grander plans than merely being a tabloid reporter, though that certainly was going to remain a hobby.

I did other things too of course, I hopped on over to the Burrow, not to see hobbits but rather...

I knocked in the beat of Shinedown's "Her Name Is Alice" but was interrupted by two twins.

"Oh hey." "Luna, Ginny's-" "-busy degnoming" "-the garden..." "Should be done in an hour or two..."

"You know what they say about assuming though." Their eyes bulged at a 10 year old girl knowing what usually followed that presumably but I continued, tilting my head in confusion "They say it's rude, I'm in fact here to visit you two in fact." I would have taken Charley, Bill or perhaps Ron as well, but I figured I had the best odds with the Twins anyway, and they had answered the door.

"Oh?" "What can we upstanding gentle-wizards do for you?"

"I heard you were going to Hogwarts this year like the last two and I was hoping you could do me a small favor..."

"Depends-" "-what is it?" "More importantly what's in it for us?"

"I could write an article proclaiming Ronald is a transfigured garden gnome or whatever you want really..."

They blinked before grinning, "Okay, deal, what did you want again?"

"I hadn't said, but I want you to smuggle me into Hogwarts."

"What?" "Why?"

I shrugged, "I'm bored and I want to see how long it takes them to find me and send me home." It was even partly true, of course the biggest reason was a certain stone that I hoped was real and not a fake or poison.. I'd be testing it on animals first, needless to say.

Sadly, I couldn't floo by myself as often as it'd require- floo powder was expensive. I also didn't know where exactly Hogwarts was, and did want to visit.

"As good enough-" "-a reason as any."

"Coolio" They looked confused, but context is a wonderful thing.

"So how-" "-are we to smuggle you to Hogwarts."

"Preferably whole, you could probably fit half of me in your trunks but that sounds uncomfortable..." Could be fun though... When I got a little older anyway.

"Oh, I know! I'll just go as a pet... Which one... Oh, I know... Hold on, let me figure this out..." I scrunched my nose and held my breath before... turning into a prefect Owl.

They were staring rather awestruck at an apparently instantaneously animagus if they even knew what that was. I meanwhile inspected my body despite knowing it rather well, before taking flight only coming back down and transforming back.

They were still staring rather slack jawed "So leave your window open September first, I'll bring by an owl cage, alright?" It would be easier than hunting down the platform on a map or trying to get the lethargic Xeno Lovegood to take me with some excuse or another.

They nodded rather dumbly as I left.

"Say Daddy" I said during dinner- a dinner I cooked of course.

"Yes sweetums?"

"I'm going to Hogwarts this year, can I get some money for my supplies?"

"Sure, I thought that wasn't for another few years?"

A few? How old did I look? I ... I was taller than Fred or George!

In the end I ignored it "I decided I didn't want to wait to start my magical education." Partly true, mostly I'd finally run out of things to try from fiction books and comic books, movies and TV shows, and fanfiction. Of course, not everything had worked, but enough had that I probably didn'tstrictly speaking _need_ Hogwarts- a dedicated person could go through a lot of practice in four years and minimal breaks.

But I had finally finished with what I could, and... well, Daddy was always too busy to show me wand movements and most books didn't have animated pictures of the things- nor did they say the words outloud and the pronunciation was an issue as well. It didn't help that my wand wasn't compatible with me- and no wonder, it had been my Mothers and I was only part of her daughter even before the accident in which a full grown man got crammed in her body. I figured I was a quarter the daughter of Pandora at best, not enough for a good match, not at all.

Okay, so mostly it was I couldn't resist the shiny, but those other reasons were still valid.

I saved the wand shop for last, not wanting to deal with the madman- but as it turned out, it really was the only wandshop in Diagon- and there wasn't some super secret one in Knockturn- or if there was _I_ couldn't find it.

The shop was empty... and rather dusty as I half yelled "Hello, anyone home."

I spun about and... no one was there... There was a throat clearing from behind me, and I suddenly felt the presence behind me... how did he get behind me... He had to be hiding his presence mightily for that to have worked...

Oh well.

"Hello my dear, what can I do for you?"

"Hello Mr Ollivander, one wand please." I stuck my hand out.

"Aren't you rather young for a wand?" What was with everyone ignoring how tall I was? Shouldn't they assume I'm at least 13?

"I.. They tell me I'm aging at an accelerated rate, this time next year I could be twenty..."

It was even true, especially after I figured out most of what I needed to stop aging. That's not to say that the stone wouldn't make a nice paperweight, and not everyone was _me._ Immortality alone seemed rather... sad.

"I... I'm so sorry... It seems just yesterday your parents were in here... Rather unusual choices in wands I must say... I don't think I've ever sold a stiffer or swishier wand in all my years and that those two's wand's owners discovered each other, truly astounding..."

"Try this one, Maple and Dragon Heart string... Rather floppy if I do say so myself..."

I grabbed hold of it, it looking rather like a sad vine drooping to the floor slightly... and stiffened as soon as I grabbed hold of it and started to pulsate.

Huh. I... kinda liked it. Sure, I had memories from a guy, but that had only saved me from not turning gay from my perspective. Bisexual I could live with.

"No, not that one." It was snatched from my hand, too bad. "You sure I can't get that one as well?" I asked hopefully. Ollivander looked rather disturbed, and immediately denied the possibility.

We went through several others including the wand's polar opposite that seemed fond of thrusting in and out of my hand with, no springiness at all- then he went all Goldilocks, one that was in between that seemed utterly lifeless in my hand...

"I wonder... It couldn't hurt to try, your Father doesn't have a mean bone in his body... He surely would understand..." I was getting creeped out, prepared to fillet Mr Ollivander if he so much started undoing his robe- he was rather old and I was looking rather young, but instead he went to the back and came out with a wand in a box that he opened... and held out to me without touching the wand.

I reluctantly grabbed it out of it's box, worried, if even Mr Ollivander didn't want to _touch it_ to give it a try...

I felt the heat of the wand spread throughout my body and start and the heat on my body seemed centered far lower than where I thought my core would should be, not in my chest but between my legs... White sparks shot off it rather.. suggestively...

"Oh my, that was... quite a show. 7 inches exactly, carved from a bit of an Apple Tree that had a most unusual snake mating pit under the trunk... Core of a particularly good vein from an Iron Belly's... Well, from an Iron Belly, that'll be 7 Galleons..."

Great, I had a penis wand after all. I still wasn't certain how to feel about the wand even as I paid for that and a holster and cleaning kit.

"Now, the elf knows to cook and clean for you, you just worry about taking care of yourself and the magazine, and if you have any problems I'm only an owl away."

Xeno was nodding along, still nose deep in his work, rather used to this kind of thing from his wife and then from me. Finding a house elf had been a bit of a challenge but I couldn't leave my half Daddy on his own, so I had started calling out elf names- and well, Sleepy looked rather tired all of the time, which is why I suspect he'd been given clothes, but he worked well enough despite that.

"Alright, I'm off Daddy, I'll send in an article or two if I have time!"

I winged out of the window carrying an undetectable expanded muggle backpack- the clerk of the trunk shop had been rather dismissive of it, but hadn't refused the money to enchant it. It was rather nice- it had Sorcerer Mickey doing some magic to his hat, the Disney castle in the background, and felt rather appropriate, I don't see what the fuss was about.

Of course- I wasn't _actually_ an owl- if I were I imagine I may very well get the whole "Find person" thing. No, I was a gray parrot, but... I didn't want to be. It took less work modifying the bird body, already an artificial magic construct, than it had my own body, into something that wouldn't be rare or out of place in Britain, including the magical side. Granted, it was one that was stronger, faster, _better_.

I flew into the Burrows only open window, the two snoring chainsaws not noticing my presence even as I was transforming into Luna and taking the owl cage out of the backpack and getting in it.

Unlike what some fanfics would have you believe, the reason why the Weasleys hadn't flooed directly to the platform is because floo powder is expensive, not for any nefarious purposes at least as far as I could detect, that was why I was here after all. So I found myself carried onto a car, any confusion over the twins having an owl lost over early morning Weasley chaos that seems prevalent on train days.

Of course, I hadn't needed to go as an owl, I had other options, though this was the most power effective.

Really, of course I had options! I had four, almost five years magical practice under my belt, all with the dedicated fever of a person that knows a war is coming, that knows the future and knows how bleak it is.

Strictly speaking, I didn't even _need_ to go to Hogwarts, I could make a living as a reporter or using what magic I knew already, even if most of it was rather combat orientated I did have my share of utility magics.

But.. The wanded magics I knew- that either were simple enough to pronounce and with understandable wand motions described, and of course the few I managed to Weasel Xeno into showing me... They all were nearly effortless. The difference between sprinting a few miles and taking a car instead, they took barely a fraction of the magic.

As to the war... Sure, the light had won the second Wizarding war, but we never see them resolving the issue of _breeding invincible soul sucking demons._ Dementors.

Besides that, even if the rest couldn't see it, I could. Another war was coming, one that threatened to be even worse than the blood wars.

Muggles wouldn't be kept in the dark about us forever. The digital age is coming...

I shuddered. I hadn't the faintest idea how to resolve that... I was rather liking the idea of building a magical spaceship and moving as many Magicals as I could to the moon or perhaps further, or maybe fleeing to another universe...

The train trip was rather peaceful, despite or perhaps because it was the Weasley twins, I was set up in a compartment that they vacated in order to explore.

A few people came in, but after seeing the owl reading a book on runes that looked rather complex, they wisely backed off. Runes were one of the few magics- other than potions that I was... awful at, something about my magic seemed to ruin them all, and of course the animagus transformation that didn't need incantations or wand movements, so of course I studied those extensively- so much so that going to those classes would rather be a waste, and... Well, I didn't want to deal with making potions or Snape, to say the least.

When Hogwarts was close at hand I quickly transformed and stuffed the cage back in my backpack before stuffing it in the backpack, and put it on before transforming, the bag transforming with me much like the wand. I was soon transported to the owlery by a house elf, and was quickly winging through the castle not long after.

Oh, I was close enough to Hogwarts I could have flown there, but I have no clue if the wards would have prevented it, and it would be rather annoying to have come all this way to have to fly immediately back.

It would be hard enough to find my home from the sky as it was, it was just lucky Mother had a parenting book with a handy little tracking charm in it, I had to keep track of Daddy, he was a wanderer at heart and not fully up to taking care of himself yet- though he was getting somewhat better. I don't know how the Luna of the books managed.

* * *

Omake, if Luna chose to get sorted:

I felt the hat enter into my mind, and go into the library after looking around, it wasn't as a person but rather pure magic extending it's tendrils into my mind... Of course, once those tendrils touched on my library's contents they withdrew almost immediately. Something that might have had to do with the handful of Sorting hat erotica I had seen.

"Dear Merlin, I don't think there's a house for that!" The hat spoke out loud, how rude.

"What about Slytherin, I've heard they get up to some crazy stuff there?"

"Not like that! Who wrote those vile things?"

"You... You don't like my writings?" I sniffled a bit. Oh sure, I hadn't really written them, but I'd certainly edited them all, at least the ones that included the people of the Magical world- had to make sure they didn't have any important real spoilers...

"I... Okay, how about Ravenclaw? They'll read anything that stays still long enough..."

"Sure" I shrugged, taking off the hat, trying to not be offended as the hat gave his thanks for my patronage, "Oh thank Merlin. Minnie, I could do with a scrubbing if you don't mind."


	7. Fear

The young Muggleborn waiting to be sorted froze as the translucent things glided through the wall, talking among themselves as if unaware of the horror of their existence.

"Oh, Firsties!" The thing said as if delighted to get to consume their souls, and that was too much for him, he was running out the door long before they could reach him and didn't look back.

Hagrid found the First Year's remains in the forbidden forest.

Some of the parents pushed for teachers to warn Muggleborn students of the existence of ghosts. The Pureblooded School Governors didn't care as long as it didn't cost them money and quite honestly weren't even told, though when tried acceptance attending Hogwarts plummeted and you could be sure they cared then- well most of them, some saw the rise of tuition an acceptable cost.

* * *

Ron didn't tell Harry why he had found Lockhart so creepy after his memory spell backfired. He thought it was obvious- but if he didn't see it, he didn't want to let on.

He'd been happy, smiling his thousand-Lumos smile, only it was _different_. It was in the eyes- a sparkle of genuine delight and more, his face was more relaxed, honest.

But the concerning thing was, the genuine happiness hadn't started after the _Obliviate_ spell hit Lockhart.

It had started the moment the spell _started_ backfiring and just stayed that way.

Ron started considering joining Lockhart in the long-term care ward.

If even adult wizards are so terrified of the world- what chance did he have? Sure, Lockhart had seen more horror than most, if not first hand- hearing about deadly monsters that existed and being such an incapable Wizard... it must have been terrifying to be that close to the source of such past horrors- in a place they were known to come for victims.

Ron... Ron wasn't much better he knew.

Ignorance is bliss, he thought. He wouldn't remember the giant killer spiders, then. Wouldn't know that they're near enough to the school and outnumber them dozens to one.

He wouldn't have had to relive that terror every time a Dementor got close enough. Wouldn't have to know about the soul sucking monsters that devour not your liquefied innards but your very soul...

He somehow managed to stay his hand- at first mostly because he didn't have a wand, later because his friends needed him, and even in forth year when Ron had been so jealous, well, he'd been more angry at Harry than scared- okay, so he had been scared witless at what Harry was going through, scared at the good chance of losing his friend, but he'd transformed that into anger. Not at Harry, but at the world that allows underage Wizards to compete in deadly tournaments.

It helped that he very purposely didn't learn how to cast the Charm, didn't practice on Flitch or Ms Norris despite the temptation.

He knew he was out of his mind, but he was happy, and.. he felt brave, braver than he had in a long time. He grinned, genuinely happy, " _Accio_ brain!"

* * *

Flitch snarled, not really meaning it. He never meant it really- well, except that one time he thought that brat had killed Mr Norris.

The first year scrambled away and Flitch allowed himself to relax away from the brat that could with a single spell bind his body until he dies of thirst or until discovered. With another spell or just dragging him to an unused classroom to die. Flitch shuddered.

Better than what the older students would have done to him if he hadn't ingrained fear in the beasts before they were old enough to realize he held very little power over them.

Still, he was getting older, getting uncaring of death, it'd be a mercy he thought, so he threw in his lot with Umbridge- getting to torture the whelps was a joy, sure she was unhinged but somehow he felt within her a kindred spirit, a weak Witch scared of anyone becoming stronger, healthy fear, that.

* * *

"Maybe this time it will kill him?" Severus Snape muttered, as he stirred in a minuscule amount of black widow venom in the potion, though he didn't hold out much hope.

His life had been a nightmare from as long as he could remember. An abusive Father he had been sure would kill him one day- that had killed his Mother... The Marauders pranks had come close a time or two to killing him and he had the scars to prove it. Then the Dark Lord through a cats-paw made overtures- he feared rejecting it just as much as he craved the protection it would offer... He snorted ruefully, some protection, when the only person he cared about was threatened.

That vow had been the singularly most idiotic thing he'd done, causing him to become trapped between two masters, a single misstep meaning being tortured and killed or tortured endlessly depending on who discovered he was playing both sides to protect himself... Not a pleasant thought, though it made him laugh that the so called 'light side' would be crueler than the 'dark'- Death is a mercy, he knew.

It was only fear of what Lily would do to him in the unlikely event they didn't end up in two very different afterlives that stayed his hand from _AK_ ing himself. He'd always been curious if that would work- he was sure he hated himself enough but could one's own magic kill themselves in such a direct manner?

He shook his head- as he grew older he came to care less, fear her reaction less, feared the lights retribution of Azkaban or even the relatively merciful death at the hands of the Dark Lord less and less.

So what did it matter if he was discovered? Torn to shreds by an enraged Werewolf would be a quicker death than he feared and felt he deserved.

"Your potion, beast." Lupin, the infuriating mutt smiled "Thank you Severus."

A short nod and he was gone long before the moon rose. 'Maybe if he resists this poison I should go for broke, perhaps forget to give him the potion and get him executed for biting a student- perhaps heroically rescuing them? That way I'll be able to sleep at night- that way I won't fear that a wild beast will kill the only damned person I care about in this castle- though knowing Potter, the brat will wander in and get bitten and Lily will carve out my liver and feed it to the dogs.' Severus shuddered at the thought.

* * *

Harry Potter smiled, the turbulent boat-ride hadn't affected it, nor had even the appearance of ghosts make him lose his good cheer.

Out from the house where one extra beer and one forgotten chore could mean his death through a beating or just getting locked in a cupboard to die of thirst or hunger Hogwarts was paradise.

The troll had been scary, but it'd been invigorating as well- Hogwarts for a magical school was kind of boring honestly- just classes and he didn't get hurt once during them- it was nice at first but it could get a little _boring_ if in a good sort of way.

His near miss while flying hadn't been that bad, and Fluffy was pretty cool really, from a distance.

Even Quirrelmort hadn't been that bad- though certainly the worst of the lot coming after a harrowing quest to reach the stone.

One near death experience every few months was nothing, but sadly Professor Dumbledore said he couldn't stay the Summer.


	8. A Ghost Of A Chance

AN: I always hated how Harry faces all these challenges- Malfoy, Snape, a Troll, and even Voldemort then meekly surrenders to his relatives whims each Summer.

* * *

Harry glared at the notice that first years were not allowed to practice magic, coming as it did mere days until the end of term.

All his plans- namely the _Diffindo_ and _Incendio_ spells were torn to shreds, burned to ashes before his eyes.

Harry wondered if the mere threat of magic would be enough to deter the Dursleys, and scoffed. Not only did Petunia have a Sister that went to Hogwarts and might know underaged wizards aren't allowed to practice magic, the threat of magic hadn't stopped them punishing him for Accidental Magic.

"Surely if my life's in danger I'd be allowed right? Even if not, how the heck would they know? I need to find out more..." Harry nodded, it was nearly curfew but he had an invisibility cloak.

Walking through the Hogwarts Library he eventually found the small politics and law section and grimaced as he started looking through thick tomes.

None went into the depth he'd have liked- but it did explain you could use magic in self-defense. Harry didn't like the thought of having to explain just why he'd cast magic- knowing his life it'd spiral out of control and everyone would know how he grew up and that wasn't something he was willing to endure.

Still, how they tracked it was another thing entirely- the books all seemed to be gloss over it- probably not wanting to encourage underage magic use- but magic things didn't stop being magic in the muggle world.

Harry didn't have the time to brew a potion- and even if he did which potion had he brewed could help really?

A Boil-Cure Potion would just help the Dursleys, though the Forgetfulness Potion might be of use next year...

What was left, Harry wondered as he made his way out of the Library, pausing so a passing Ghost wouldn't hear his cloak moving, and the ghost idea, the terrible and wonderful idea came to him, and Harry grinned.

* * *

"Where is that good for nothing ungrateful freak?"

Harry glared, not that it could be seen under his invisibility cloak. Still, he said nothing, waiting.

Finally Vernon Dursley huffed and stomped off, dire threats mumbled under his breath.

Harry followed him back to his car, awkwardly maneuvering the broom he had been carrying underneath his cloak straddling it. He quickly flew up and hovered over the roof- no one could see up his cloak if there was something solid under it as he flew for hours- his biggest complaint was boredom of going so slow and stopping so often.

Finally he was "home."

* * *

Petunia shrieked and ran out the door of the kitchen "Vernon, Vernon, it's happened again!"

Harry muffled his laughter as an scared fat man peeked in the kitchen and meeped.

Harry didn't know what was so scary about stacking chairs on top of one another- but it along with moving around and rattling chains and other ghostly things really seemed to bother the Dursleys.

It wasn't even hard being invisible so often, though he'd had to hand wash his cloak when the Dursleys were gone and had to wear a wet cloak when they returned a bit too early a time or two, but he wasn't complaining.

They hadn't noticed food going missing with Vernon and Dudley competing to see who could eat so much they burst first, and they never went into his 'contaminated' room that had once belonged to Dudley.

Sneaking in and out was easy with a broom and an invisibility cloak too.

Sure, he was lonely without anyone writing him, but he hadn't written much either, having too much fun, mostly just letting Hedwig fly where and when she wished as he couldn't really offer a home to her, not when he didn't really have one himself. He did keep her water bowl filled out behind the Dursley's shed, and give her treats whenever he saw her, but she could mostly take care of herself thank merlin.

Most of his Summer was one that would surprise Ron and delight Hermione. After a successful visit to the library that did as much as it did to help him, Harry had decided to start learning things he wanted- no _needed_ to know. Sure, he was stuck in the Muggle world for a while, but that didn't mean there was nothing to learn!

The public library wasn't the biggest or the best, but it had plenty to offer!

Harry couldn't check books out, but he didn't let that stop him, taking home a few each visit in a knapsack he'd nicked from Dudley. Of course, he returned them after he read them, too fearful what Hermione would say if he hadn't.

From ghost stories to give him new ideas to torment the Dursleys with to recipe books to try out when the Dursleys were gone or asleep he learned so much!

More than once he had to leave some new recipe half cooked, but he rather thought it added to the ghostly torments, a meal they didn't dare eat and had to clean up! At first they searched the house and yard for any intruders even cautiously asking neighbors if they'd seen anyone, never finding a hint of him thankfully. It started scaring them more and more when they never found him or anyone doing those things.

There were more books to be had than ones to improve his haunting and cooking of course- granted Harry mostly read fiction, but Harry delved into some books that surprised even him- Who knew muggle history could be so bloody, or that they had their own versions of magic? He had no idea if any of them would work for him, but was eager to give it a shot once back at Hogwarts.

The library even had practical things like how to throw a punch- it wasn't as good as a teacher but he was sure it would have helped immensely against Quirrelmort- and practicing punching and kicking stuff was fun and added to his haunting even when he didn't wail after hitting something too hard.

Harry was startled out of his thoughts by Vernon's shouting. "That does it, I'm calling Father Jon- he'll put an end to this nonsense, an exorcism, that's what this house needs! Knew we shouldn't have taken in the Freak, sending his demons after us after all we've done for him.."

Harry glared invisibly and plotted retribution for being called a freak yet again. So what if he deserved the scorn for once, he'd been looking for an excuse to try to make the walls bleed... A visit to the butcher's shop was in order, it wouldn't be hard to loot a few pounds from the deserving Dursleys to pay for it.

* * *

"Hello Father, thank you for coming, come in, come in." Harry rushed downstairs and watched eagerly, taking notes with one of Dudley's many blank notebooks. After all, even if they couldn't exorcise a living Wizard, it might work against Binns.

"Thank you Mister Dursley- My word!"

"You see it, thank God, thought we were going batty-" Harry muffled a snort.

"It's rather hard to miss all the blood- I see you truly need my Lord's services!" Harry watched avidly, taking notes as the Priest went room too room reading bible passages, shaking around a tin billowing out incense that Harry vaguely recognized the smell of from potions classes, sprinkling water he assumed was holy water. Cautiously waiting until they were done with a room Harry touched one of the wet spots with a finger and sighed in relief as nothing happened. He had been mostly sure but not a hundred percent. Now the big issue, how was he going to get holy water?

* * *

In the end getting Holy water wasn't hard at all. It just took following the priest's car from above invisibly on his broom back to his church and following a couple minutes later.

He quickly found and started dunking empty bottles in the holy water, before looking around, to his surprise finding a cache of incense blend the Priest used.

Harry paid for it with a single gold galleon left in their place. He didn't know if he believed in a God who would condemn stealing- not when he allowed such bad things to happen, not when magic was real and of God there was no sign, but better safe than sorry, he thought. Besides, even if God didn't exist the Priest did.

Heading back home, Harry decided it was close enough to the end of the Summer that Dumbledore wouldn't be too miffed at him leaving the Dursley's dubious protection, he thought- after all he'd need school supplies in any case.

Besides- if he left after the exorcism the Dursleys would think it had worked, how shocked then would they be when the 'ghost' came back?

Little did Harry know but an insane house elf would be trying to stop Harry Potter from going to Hogwarts- and there would only be one boy Harry's age at the Dursleys, and Dudley was in for another fright.

* * *

Harry smiled as he ate another ice cream before returning to his Potions homework, his trunk unshrunken by an all too eager to please Tom who saw no problem renting a room to a kid.

"This is how all potions homework should be done." He thought out loud, blushing as it drew a pleased laugh and pat on the shoulder from Mr Fortescue. Despite his embarrassment, it was nice to be visible again.

Sure, Boy-Who-Lived fans were a bit annoying, but they did help him with his homework when he asked questions.

Suddenly an owl winged his way to his table.

Ripping the letter open Harry scowled, 'Hovering charm my arse! I'm not even there! Incompetent bloody-' Still, it was just a warning, and if he chewed them out as he wanted to they might investigate and learn he was using his cloak...

Whoever tried getting him expelled was going to pay, Harry decided, and he bet he knew just who it was, Snape. He'd threatened it often enough after all. How he was going to get him back, Harry didn't know, but a trip to the book store and now that he had money the muggle book store was in order. 'Pranks maybe? That jinx book Hagrid didn't let me buy last time might come in handy too...'

'Maybe a new trunk too- there's got to be some trunk that shrinks and grows without a wand and that's bigger on the inside, right? Hell, lets just make it a shopping spree, I could use some muggle clothes that aren't falling apart too...' Harry thought.

* * *

To Harry's horror and confusion a few days later he was sent a letter that stated he'd been expelled from Hogwarts for again violating the underaged restriction. Sure, there came another letter stating it had been a misunderstanding and to not worry about it- but worry he did. Snape was going to pay if he managed to get to Hogwarts, something that looked less and less likely.

* * *

Harry rubbed his sore nose, the wall that should have admitted him to platform 9 3/4 inexplicably solid. "Snape!" Harry snarled, but this wouldn't stop Harry.

Harry made his way to the bathroom, and unshrunk it with a tap of his wand, quickly retrieving his broom, shutting and shrinking it again, before getting under the cloak.

Flying invisibly until he saw the Hogwarts Express he swooped in an open window and opened the door to much confusion, blushing a bright red. Maybe Slytherins weren't so bad if they could be as pretty undressed as those had been?

* * *

"Finally I found one of you, Percy, do you know where Ron is?"

Percy huffed "He and the twins have been suspended-"

Harry gaped "What, why!?"

"If you would have let me finish, they claimed they tried to rescue you- nonsense of course, if you needed rescuing they would have told an adult. In any case they ended up suspended for breaking the statue of secrecy. They were lucky their wands weren't snapped- something about self-defense though it was a clear cut case of Muggle-baiting, I've never been so ashamed of my Brothers in my life."

Harry swallowed, "Merlin..."

"Now if that's all Potter?"

Harry numbly nodded even as Percy not waiting for an answer had shut the compartment door.

"So much for my theory of the hovering charm being Snape... I've got to fix this, somehow..."


	9. How Did He Know?

It was dark- after all he'd just finished putting out the lights with his putter-outer, but he spotted the cat instantly.

"Ah, professor Mcgonagall, I thought I would see you here." Dumbledore said knowingly.

The cat icily stared at Dumbledore but said nothing, though he felt the glare keenly. She looked toward the house before coughing out a hairball, Dumbledore got the message.

"Ah, I know they aren't the most friendly of Muggles but it would not do for the child to grow up in fame." He had, after all, grown up in infamous with a Father famous for his brutal murder of three Muggles that had attacked his Sister... It had not been easy, that first decade or two.

The meow startled him out of his thoughts, even as she began grooming herself, licking her 'wrist' where a watch would go and he chuckled "It is good to see how much you value the statue of secrecy when many flaunt it on this of all nights, and I do love charades. Harry will be arriving shortly, Hagrid is bringing him."

The loud rumbling caused Minerva to hiss, Albus calmly stated "That'd be Hagrid now."

"Professor Dumbledore sir, got the tyke here."

"No problems I trust?"

"Nah, fell asleep over Bristol or one of them places- no idea- not sure how I even found this place, Black's motorcycle doesn't have GPS."

"GPS? Ah, never mind, we must deliver the baby- never had I thought to say such a thing, joyous how life finds a way."

Hagrid gave the baby one final kiss saying goodbye to the child and Dumbledore smiled and bid him farewell.

Hagrid got on his bike even as Dumbledore was placing the babe on the steps.

"Coming Minerva?" The thump soon after had him running, but it was too late, Hagrid had ran over Minerva on his passing, and even now was flying away.

Quick as he could he scooped up the cat and apparated to St Mungo's.

* * *

"Er, sir, we don't do animals here- you'll want St Fleamount's-"

"This is an animagus, Mcgonagall- Hurry!" Dumbledore shouted at the daft Witch.

Her eyes widened and she quickly started preforming spells in a flurry before drooping. "I'm sorry, she's... gone."

Dumbledore bit back his anguish but he felt more defeated now than ever before.

* * *

"MINERVA! You're alive!" Dumbledore shouted running towards the woman.

Mcgonagall rolled her eyes "Why wouldn't I be? Albus, put me down you daft man-stop spinning me around!"


	10. Not-Harry A Canon Noncompliant Epilouge

Harry woke up instantly and fully, realizing instantly he'd been enervated. Not because of how fast he woke up, though that was a big clue. No, it was the wand pointed between his eyes causing him to go cross-eyed staring at it.

He did what came natural, dodging away from the wand pointed at him, the chair he was tied to coming with him as he fell to the ground hard.

He gulped as he spotted the shoes flashing with light at every step, coming closer and managed to see his captor and was shocked.

"Where's Harry Potter!?" The woman asked, an unusually hard tone in her voice.

"I'm right here Luna, Ow!" Harry yelped as Luna bent down grabbing a fistful of his hair and pulling, and pulling and pulling some more for good measure.

"Why won't this thing come off? Did you put it on with a sticking charm?"

"No! It's my bloody hair, what the bloody hell are you doing Luna!?"

" _Accio_ mask!" Luna said, her voice quizzical. Nothing happened, he wasn't wearing a mask and there evidently wasn't one near by.

"How do I get you to reveal yourself?"

"What?" Harry struggled to come up with something realizing she wasn't waiting for an answer. Finally he thought of something, those stupid questions for knowing the other person wasn't under polyjuice. "Ask me anything, I'm really Harry!"

She looked skeptical, a look on her that was bizarre in the extreme. "How do I know you didn't interrogate Harry?"

He winced, that was a sticking point, "Um, ask about something Harry- I mean I would know that you know I know that isn't important?"

She tilted her head before deciding, "What is my middle name?"

Harry felt like a terrible friend, surprising considering the woman had just spent a good half minute tugging his hair. "I don't know, you never told me and it never came up. I'm sorry Luna, I'll try to be a better friend to you."

"Thank you Not-Harry, I suppose we can be friends, I like having friends." Luna said and he winced, so much for honesty.

"Why do you think I'm not Harry- I mean me anyway?"

Luna clucked "I guess your bosses haven't told you everything. Guess it wouldn't do any harm... All governments have been infiltrated by reptilians-" Seeing Harry's look of incomprehension she said "That's just what we call your species, well, that and lizard people, but reptilians sounds nicer. With Harry's Order of Merlin, First Class, he'd get a seat on the Wizengamot, but Harry refused to allow me to stay with constantly."

Harry's mouth opened and closed several times, finally he settled on "What?"

"Yes, all of them, your people have done a good job for your takeover of our world, but I don't mind, I just want my friend Harry back."

"I really am Harry, how can I prove it to you?" Harry was getting worried and frustrated tied up- his head smarted and not just because of the hair pulling, and worse yet his nose was starting to itch."

"Hmm... I know! Help me find a crumple-horned Snorkack! If anyone can do it Harry could!"

Harry thought it was unlikely but... Well, there were worse ways to spend his time. It would probably get him out of the UK too, and considering how much more famous he was, that could only be a good thing. Besides, it wasn't like he wanted to start things back up with Ginny. He shuddered remembering that old adage about women becoming their Mothers.

"Sure, I'd love to go looking for them with you Luna."


	11. Putting A Ring On It

The ship fell to Earth at a break neck speed. It avoided complete destruction by the barest margins, a green shield appearing under it moments before impact. It slid and skidded on the on the ground the green sputtering out parts flying off the ship before it finally ground to a halt.

The ship's circular door spun open, blade like pieces of the door sliding into it and the green gloved hand managed to find purchase on the outside... then the ship exploded.

* * *

It hurt, why was it hurting? The man screamed his agony even as the doctor muttered "What the hell?" as cat scanners weren't meant to hurt. "Piercings maybe?" he wondered aloud even as he rushed towards the man but before he reached him the machine exploded.

* * *

His dream had come true, somehow and someway. He'd wished for an end to the pain more than once but rather didn't like the idea of dying, so it was a perfect fantasy.

["Still, being a ring is not the type of self-insert anyone would actually want, fucking Robs. Random Omnipotent Being indeed."]

He had all the rings database at his mental finger tips, and easily deduced the situation, but sensing around, the green light shining on the wreckage in the clearing there was no one around save the alien who had willingly did his duty, going far beyond to escape the creature of red and yellow after his ring.

It was automatic, really- he'd confirmed his bearer's death, as soon as he had he was doing a much larger scan, the green light so dispersed it was barely visible.

Then he started feeling them, the beings and their souls and their sheer willpower- then he felt it, a shining beacon that made all other lights look like matches, and with the barest wish of wanting to know why he was rocketing off towards it.

* * *

The young man stepped out of the tent on wobbly legs. With his friends abandoning him, he hadn't figured out any way to survive this. The idea of using a broom against something that big that flies is ridiculous, but Harry didn't have any other good ideas.

Still, he'd faced trolls and dark lords, manic house elves and bludgers, basilisks and dementors, he wouldn't, he couldn't give up without a fight.

Ducking behind a boulder out of sight of the mammoth beast, he waved his wand in a come hither motion saying " _Accio_ broom." Nothing happened, he didn't even feel the spell leave his wand. " _Accio_ broom!" He put his all into it even shouting the spell but... nothing. They'd.. they'd charmed the arena against summoning spells he realized dejected, feeling even worse when he realized he could have summoned the egg had that not been the case.

"Stupify maybe?" Harry muttered not having any other ideas and having heard that spell worked... If you had 15 or more people casting it at once. Several times.

Stepping out he focused harder than ever before, willing all his power into the spell, jabbing his wand forth shouting " _Stupify_!". The light was bright red with wasted magic energy it was throwing off, by the time it got to the dragon it was barely more than a nuisance.

It was enough to get the dragon's attention as it inhaled, and Harry ran.

* * *

The crowd gasped as Harry perished in an intense burst of dragon fire lighting the very ground on fire.

Then the smoke cleared revealing a boy in a green bubble with wide eyes.

* * *

["Shit shit shit! Put me on!"] the ring shouted at the boy as he drew closer.

Harry spun about spotting the glimmering thing falling towards him and with reflexes long honed plucked it from the air and jammed it on a random finger on his left hand just in time for the fire to get close enough to feel.

There wasn't even time for Harry to duck or cringe away, he wished for a shield the same time the ring did the same.

The heat was intense but soon died as the ring figured protecting from heat and smoke, but still the shield started cracking and straining.

Then it was all over.

["I'm almost out of juice kid, one more like that and we're done"]

"Merlin, what are you?"

["More important things to be worrying about, I think. Wait, why don't you just run away, the dragons chained up isn't it?"]

"I can't, I need the golden egg the dragon's guarding or I'll lose my magic!"

It didn't work that way but neither knew that.

["Shit, okay, how about as soon as the smoke clears you rush out and get it- the things got to think you're dead right? Once you get close enough you can lift it with, well with me, just will it and imagine it happening, a hand or a lasso maybe. Getting away will be trickier-"]

The smoke started clearing and Harry shot off, not catching whatever else the ring had to say. As it was it cut off a second or two after not wanting the kid to get distracted and roasted.

The dragon didn't stay surprised long enough and Harry was forced to dodge around dragon fire, his feet willed faster seemed to burst with green light each time sending him rocketing forward bit by bit.

The green light spread out and captured the egg in a net, and Harry pulled it forth just as the dragon unleashed a burst of fire too wide-spread to be avoided.

["UP! Put your all into it!"] The ring 'shouted', the boy barely bent his legs willing more than thinking, and they shot up in an explosion of green. The heat was intense as they kept climbing, the dragon firing after them.

Thankfully it was distracted by wizards starting to try to get it under control again, and cut the flame.

Harry panted barely noting he was in mid air.

"Thanks, but what are you?" Harry asked eventually.

["I'll tell you later- we need to get on the ground before-"] that's when the power cut off, leaving only enough for some critical functions.

Then they started to fall. Just to add insult to injury Harry saw his broom where he had summoned it, and considering how long it took the first time there was no hope of summoning it in time.

Just before they hit the ground the ring burst forth with what power it could, 'shouting' ["Shield!"], and Harry's will joined with the ring's own.


	12. Just Leave Already

"I've changed my mind, everyone unpack! We aren't going to let those freaks chase us off our property!" The fat man shouted.

Harry was sick of the constant yelling more than Uncle Vernon's ever changing decision, and decided it was time to end it.

"Uncle Vernon, you know I'll be seventeen soon, right?" Harry asked sweetly.

"So what?" Vernon nearly snarled.

"So I will be able to use my, how did you put it, _freakishness_ without problems." Harry withheld a grin as his Uncle paled.

"You wouldn't dare boy." The fat man blustered.

"Of course I would, I really do feel the need to show my appreciation for treating me so... _kindly_." Harry wouldn't do much to them, really, but they didn't need to know that.

The Dursleys left and were never seen in Little Whinging again.


	13. Wet Behind The Ears

"Are you sure this is wise Albus? Harry Potter not coming to Hogwarts is a travesty, his parents would have wanted him here among his own kind! Bad enough you sent him to those awful Muggles, but this is going too far! I have half a mind to write to take this to the governors -"

"Minerva, please calm down and let me explain." The Headmaster waited and only when he was sure Minerva had calmed herself sufficiently to listen did he begin.

"No one wants Harry here more than I, but not all Death Eaters went to Azkaban. He'd have to deal not only with fame which could go to any boy's head but with Voldemort's former followers, to say nothing of my own suspicions that we haven't seen the last of Voldemort. I'm sure he'll be happier and safer where he is."

* * *

"Lets give him a proper welcome boys!" The biggest and dumbest looking kid in Stonewall High sneered out, the group said advancing menacingly, or at least as menacingly as any kid could.

Harry ran, but unlike Dudley these boys were in a shape and not spherical and soon caught him. They didn't punch or kick him, just grabbing hold and carrying him, a limb per person taking him despite his struggles.

"No! Stop! Please-" He begged as he realized where they were headed.

"Shut up kid, everyone goes through this. Well, not _me_ but come on, you're asking for it with those ratty clothes!" Harry knew he had a bit of a point, he knew the dyed elephant skin looking clothes would cause him nothing but trouble but it wasn't like his Aunt and Uncle would waste money on him more than they had to.

His head was pushed none-too-gently against the swinging door head first and he was panicking as he drew closer to the toilets, "No!"

He struggled harder as they drew closer and he felt it, that funny tingling sensation deep within him. The water in the bowl seemed to be boiling, only not as the water in the bowl rocketed up in a geyser causing three of the boys to let go of Harry.

Harry wrenched his arm free and was up like a shot running out of the bathroom before anyone could think to go after him, only realizing as he caught his breath in the stairway that was relieved to find he was bone dry.

He hoped his Aunt and Uncle didn't hear about this, they probably wouldn't with no Dudley to snitch- the boys could but they'd have to explain why they'd all been in the stall with him.

"Why does this keep happening to me?" Harry wondered.

"Bully's will be bullies I guess, I saw that- it was awesome how the toilet bowl exploded in their face, how'd that happen anyway?" Harry was startled by the boy's voice spinning about wary but the boy held his hands up non-threateningly. It helped that he was actually shorter than Harry, he'd always been on the small side.

"Well?"

Startled, Harry realized he hadn't answered, "Um, well weird stuff happens around me, but I never do anything, honest!"

"If you say so. So what are you doing out here?"

"Avoiding some people I'd rather not see again. Er, what about you?"

"Same same, hey, you know we should stick together. Strength in numbers ya know, what do you say, friends?"

The boy's eyes widened- someone wanted to be his friend? "S-sure. I'm Harry."

The boy looked at him skeptically. "You don't look very hairy."

"No, that's my name." Harry gave the boy a funny glance not sure if he was being made fun of.

"Oh! I'm Ralph, nice ta meetcha."

That's when the bell chose to ring.

* * *

Saturday a knock on the door nearly caused Harry to fling the bacon out of the pan, luckily for his safety he managed to avoid that.

Since he was cooking and only because of that his Aunt huffed and went to answer the door herself. He heard her piercing voice and tried to tune it out knowing it would be no good, trying his best to crush the small amount of hope he held.

"Do you have any idea what time it is? No he may not! Because the no-good fr- he's a trouble maker and is being punished. I don't care if you made plans, yes yes, go!" Harry's stomach fell, he'd told Ralph he couldn't do anything with him out of school but that hadn't stopped Ralph's attempts.

His Aunt practically stomped back in the kitchen and he practically felt the glare drilling into his back. As soon as he was done cooking he felt his ear being painfully pulled and he winced and bit back a yelp. He wanted desperately to try and get her to stop but he knew if he did he'd be punished even worse, and as it was he was painfully dragged to the cupboard and shoved in, all the while his Aunt was on a tirade about "Good for nothing bringing trouble down on us, no good person would want to be your friend as you well know! You aren't to speak to that thug of a boy again! Maybe a day or two in there to think about what you have done wrong will fix you!" The door to the cupboard was slammed shut and Harry had to fight to keep in his tears, it just wasn't fair.

* * *

"Hey Harry- whoa, you're not looking so good, you okay to be going to school?" Ralph asked worried as Harry felt sluggish, two days without food or water and only a piece of burnt toast and glass of water weren't good he knew.

"Y-yeah, I can't go back, my- they wouldn't be happy. You.. You shouldn't talk to me anymore, my Aunt doesn't want me to be friends with you. I'm sorry." Harry's heart broke as he saw how upset the other boy was, and how angry, and he ran.

Harry did his best to avoid Ralph and everyone, no matter how many times Ralph tried to talk to him getting angrier and angrier.

* * *

It was on Halloween that everything went wrong.

Harry hated Halloween, it was a day that Dudley wanted to play the most tricks on him other than April First. This year at least Dudley was away to boarding school, but he didn't hold out hope that he'd get anything but dirty looks if he were to ask for so much as an M&M.

Then in between classes he saw a group of boys shoving Ralph around laughing even as he tried getting away.

Harry winced, thinking about how badly this was going to hurt, but he wouldn't be talking to Ralph, his... Okay, so he knew that his Aunt and Uncle would punish him anyway, they'd find an excuse but he couldn't do nothing!

He was half way there when the large lumbering beast so tall his hair brushed the ceiling came from around the corner. The misshapen gray-skinned thing that looked vaguely human took a deep sniff before grinning and raising his club nearly as long as Harry was tall, and brought it down on the kid nearest.

Harry nearly puked when the kid's skull practically exploded in a vapor of green mist of all things, but kept running forward even as the others gaped shaking. One screamed and started backing up which broke the others out of their trance and they scattered running. Harry was sure it was a trick of his eyes that the others briefly looked extremely thin green things.

Then he raised his club to the only kid that had remained, Ralph.

"No!"

He finally reached Ralph and grabbed his arm pulling him away just as the club descended down causing the floor tiles to shatter.

He didn't stop running pulling along Ralph, the creature with the club lumbering after them occasionally smashing a locker or door with it. Worse, it was gaining on them.

"The stairs! LEFT!"

Harry didn't hesitate rushing into the stairway and was about to head down when Ralph screamed "Up!"

Harry figured it didn't much matter, and the door that had closed behind them smashed open after a few steps up.

The narrow staircase proved a boon as the creature was slowed down significantly.

"Stop! I can't go on!"

Grunting Harry refused, managing to pull Ralph onto his shoulder, reserves of strength he didn't even know he had coming to the fore. Even as Ralph struggled to find something in his pockets Harry was slamming into the door on the top story and it burst open.

"Left! The classroom!" Ralph's advice had been good so far, he decided it wouldn't be any worse than running even further- there was only one set of stairs and he didn't like his chances going out a window.

"Set me down, quick!"

Harry did and Ralph quickly checked all his pockets before pulled something out and holding it out. "Here! It's not much but it's all I've got!"

"What?" Harry asked taking the circular gold keychain with plastic keys attached worried 'Did I accidentally hit Ralph's head against a wall?'

"Press the middle of the round thing with a finger! Hurry up, it's a-" The door smashed open and Harry decided to trust Ralph, at least he'd have a good story to tell in the afterlife.

Then the circular keychain expanded out into a golden gleaming shield just in time as the troll moved to strike. Harry managed to grab the handle on the back of the shield and get it up just in time for the troll to swipe his club into it, and Harry was sent rocketing away into the wall harder than he'd ever been thrown into the cupboard, the shield clattering to the floor.

"Get up! Hurry!" Groggy and coughing, wincing at the pain Harry managed to extract himself from the indent he'd made in the cheap school wall, picking up his shield. He was just in time to see the lumbering giant beast winding up his club straight up smashing a sprinkler which set them all off, then smashing a desk which Ralph had been hiding under. Ralph managed to leap into another leaving a shoe behind revealing something shiny and black but the creature was raising his club again.

"No!" Harry threw the shield and it struck the club with a reverberating clang that sent it out of his hand even as it smashed it down. The beast blinked at the undestroyed desk, scratching his hand with the one that held the club, before suddenly a look of confusion overcame it. Looking at his hand he tilted his hand before shrugging, winding up a punch.

Harry ran wincing when he saw the shield was on the other side of the classroom.

Ralph tried kicking away but with one shoe gone he found little purchase and didn't get all the way out of the desk in time as it covered him in wood. "Ralph!"

The troll was lifting it's foot to crush the struggling boy even as Harry reached the troll, and looking about there was nothing he could use but that, and even it was too heavy not too mention too far away.

Harry gasped as he felt the strange sensation within him as he wished for something to help and the club flew towards him. He barely managed to catch it and hurriedly swung it at the beast that was preparing to stomp down with all it's might, surprised it was working.

Club met foot and the lumbering beast was unbalanced, and Harry kept spinning hitting the troll's chest with little force, but it was enough to send the creature crashing down into floor which gave out, the beast screaming as it fell before all was silent.

* * *

AN: Since I don't foresee myself continuing this, Harry Potter in this is not the son of Poseidon despite the foreshadowing. He's actually a son of Hercules. I would have had them take a ship and end up on a nightmare of a journey to reach Camp Half-Blood as Poseidon hates Hercules in mythology.


	14. Little Nicky

"Of all the asinine things, what were you thinking Nick?" The woman asked, throwing her heads up in sheer frustration.

"Now Penny, I trust Albus and you should too, calm down-" The harried man started.

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down when you gave our lives to the hands of that young piece of hypocritical dragon dung!" Nicolas winced but she wasn't done. "You are marching straight to the floo and demanding our stone back-"

"I can't, he... well, destroyed it." He admitted reluctantly.

"You imbecilic troctolite-brained son of a troll!" She yelled at such a volume that he couldn't help but flinch even as the windows and mirrors broke.

"Now dear-" "Don't you dear me!" "Um, honey?" She glared at him in response, and he sighed defeated, managing to get out "You-Know-Who was after it-"

"So bloody what! Greater men than he have tried to take it! What in the bloody hell were you thinking! Go make a new one- no, I don't care if you're tired, get to it you bloody fool of a man!"

Resigned Nick set about making a new stone knowing it would take years and years of toil and trouble- and that's just trying to find all the ingredients, some of which may no longer exist.

Throwing the powder in the fireplace it burst into green flames. Sticking his head through the fire he shouted for an old associate of his at "The Rookery." After all, if anyone knew where to get a Snorkack's crumpled horn it'd be Xenophilius, man was a bit obsessed with the creatures after one stole his sandwich a few decades back.

* * *

"Drink it all." Perenelle Flamel ordered years later, setting a large tankard of red shining liquid made by a freshly crafted stone in front of him.

"What!? But this is far too much! It would turn me into..." Nicolas Flamel was so baffled and horrified he couldn't even finish the thought.

"Precisely. Think of it as your punishment for lending out our property to young fools. You obviously were dropped on your head one too many times as a babe besides, it's obviously up to me to raise you right."

"No! By Merlin's short hairs, this is nearly enough to make me crawl up my Mum's-"

"We'll train the crassness out of you while we're at it. Drink up, you will not like how I intend to force you to if you don't." She ordered menacingly.

Nick shuddered and drank the blasted thing.

* * *

"This is a stupid song, that has been done and overdone and is never very fun. No one listens to this, but at least I finally got another appearance!" The world's finest piece of categorizing headgear sang, before muttering "Oh, and something about the houses." to much confusion and scattered applause.

Kids were sorted, but none so interesting as this the hat thought, "I knew I would be seeing you again little Nicky, now which house to put you in?" Nicolas Flamel mentally scowled at the over-hyped lice ridden piece of felt. "Well, that's not very nice... Let's see... Your wife has sent you back here so many times we've run out of houses to put you in, and you haven't changed overly much besides... You deserve it more than most of those times by far I must say though... I know! Better be" Aloud the Sorting Hat shouted "Assistant Caretaker!"

For what felt like the thousandth time Nicolas cursed his inability to fix the infertility of the Elixir of Life. Penny had never forgiven him for that.


	15. Being Harry Is Suffering

He couldn't do it. He thought he could at first but putting up with child abuse is never easy, even when you've got an older bloke's memories crammed into your head.

So one day Harry Potter simply left. It was either that or wait until they either killed him or he was forced to defend himself with magic making things even harder on him after.

He didn't dare go to Diagon Alley despite wanting desperately to start learning magic. Sure, he bleached his hair and wore a cap, but Dumbledore surely would find out soon enough he left and he didn't want to be returned to them.

He knew he shouldn't have left as soon as he did it, but emotions and impulse control aren't just mental- the brain doesn't fully develop until your mid twenties they say, and before that and even after you're at the mercy of your brain's chemistry.

Still, he couldn't just go back to them- Harry of canon had survived but that was no guarantee he would- and he just couldn't take anymore of it. He'd take his chances of death eaters finding him over the Dursley's neglect and outright abuse any day.

Shifting the pilfered backpack on his shoulders he kept walking aimlessly through the streets trying to get as much distance as he could from the Dursley's house.

He had little choice but to run on a weekday- they paid far too much attention to him on weekends and like hell was he waiting till Summer vacation, so he wasn't surprised a few hours in as the Sun was nearly at it's peak that the cop spotted him. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

He shrugged, "I'm home schooled." He muttered, and kept walking. Unsurprising the cop did not like that and he felt himself grabbed by the shoulder and knew it was next to hopeless to get away, though given his plan had been to get as far away before getting caught as a runaway, that was fine.

No matter what the cop or the social worker said he gave no real details- So what if they didn't have a record of a Martin Greenwood? So what if they didn't believe him when he said he didn't know his address but was 'pretty sure it's in Dover', he didn't give anything away no matter the threats or pleas.

The orphanage was infinitely better than the Dursley's house. Sure, the servings were small... compared to what a kid in a normal home got, but compared to the Dursley's leavings? He ate like a king.

So what if the other kids didn't like him thinking him a swot because he liked to read and wanted as little to do with the snot nosed brats as he could? It wasn't like they could really do anything about it.

At least, that's what he thought, the insults had barely so much as stung, but the violence was unexpected.

The thing about fighting kids is pain tolerance- he had it in spades even without having experience of a handful of fights and injuries in his previous life, he had plenty in this life.

It made him sick to his stomach hurting children, but he hardly wanted to be in pain. He noticed it getting easier to bare which worried him and gave him nightmares at first, but... he started enjoying it more and more, and he dealt greater and greater pain to those that attempted to torment him, eventually adding in his wandless magic which was improving in unexpected leaps of bounds.

He started worrying significantly less, he was doing what he had to, right?

Even the dreams weren't something he was bothered much by- weird though they were he was already having dreams featuring his new body and old and combinations of the two, dreams of being some other kid in a different orphanage were weird but not shocking.

He figured it out one morning he had been combing his unruly hair and the Matron shouted "Time for church! Hurry up boy, you need it more than most!" His anger at being called boy and forced to attend something he didn't believe in flared and the mirror cracked from accidental magic drawing his eyes to it. He nearly screamed as he saw they were red, not as if irritated, but a deep glowing crimson.

He realized what had been happening, and was horrified.

He considered, going back to the Dursleys- maybe it would help, those blood wards- perhaps were the only thing preventing just this from happening- but the mere thought sent agony through his skull.

The thought of telling Dumbledore elicited if anything a worse reaction, his head feeling like it was being torn apart, making his nose and ears bleed alarmingly.

As time went on thoughts of salvation lessened even as he grew colder and meaner.

He was horrified how much he enjoyed it, hurting those beneath him, who dared wrong him, but he saw no way out but one. The mere idea had him convulsing on the floor silently screaming his agony, as even the option of suicide was rendered unthinkable.

The feelings that it was wrong got smaller day after and day, and eventually he stopped worrying about it at all.

* * *

It wasn't hard to switch out the stone with a fake, Hagrid wasn't the brightest of beings, then he took him back to the Dursley's house. Any guilt Harry felt about stealing the stone died with Hagrid's treachery. There was a house fire, very tragic. The Weasley's were even better than the orphanage; marginally.

When Harry Potter came to Hogwarts he'd be seen as a charming intelligent young man with a bright future ahead of him. His sorting had only caused minor controversy, but Ravenclaw was a perfectly respectable house. It had only taken a minor threat to get the hat to comply.

He was so polite and helpful to those around him and well liked that any worry's about the odd sorting were forgotten. Only Snape seemed to be against him but even so he backed down over the threat he hanged over the man's neck, "You like calling me a celebrity, so I shall use it. Leave me be or the Daily Prophet shall get an interview on just who lead Voldemort my parents to their death." The mixture of shock and horror on the man's face was like a fine wine.

* * *

"We are so alike, you and I. Both half-bloods that grew up in orphanages hating our muggle caretakers... Like me there is a potential for greatness... Join me and we will be unstoppable."

Harry chuckled "Sure, put her there!" He held out his hand and reluctantly Quirrell's hand reached out. And there was fire. "Join you? Ha, that's a laugh." The shock and outrage plainly on his mutated face was wonderful, Harry thought, even as it morphed into pain and horror as his struggles to wrench his arm free were met with resistance. Harry grinned, it had been worth it to figure out how to use magic for body enhancement, and fire manipulation.

* * *

"Your Mother's love Harry, that's what stopped him! Do not feel guilty for it, for he surely would have killed you and many more besides." Dumbledore said firmly.

Harry tried for a weak smile as if he didn't fully believe him but was trying, and Dumbledore left relieved that Harry would be alright, as soon as the old fool was gone Harry's eyes flashed crimson.


	16. Malformed

"This is a nightmare. I'll wake up from it any moment now." I told the boy in the mirror, though he didn't seem to believe me. Understandable, even infected by a Muggle I'm a Malfoy and smart enough not to believe my own lies. I could hardly ignore the creature's leavings, the trials and tribulations of what would happen were the stuff of nightmares. The mere idea of failing so often set chills running down his spine, Malfoy's don't fail. What angle had the future version of myself been working I wonder?

The sudden puff of smoke startled me not that I'd ever admit it, the strange bald creature cringed away from me even as it began speaking.

"Master Draco, Masters is saying it is being time to be Flooing."

I huffed, great, no time to plan. I had forgotten it was September First in my horror of being invaded by the mind of that pathetic Muggle. The silly thing seemed to think just because he was a self-insert he could contend with the magic of a Malfoy.

I was just about to punish the thing before the Muggle's memories assaulted me- the very same house elf could toss about Father like so much rubbish and would soon be free to get revenge on me. No, best ignore my impulses to put the thing it's place until I was sure the elf wouldn't be getting free.

"Take my Trunk to the Floo, Elf." The creature visibly startled, surprised but quickly popped to the trunk and away before I could change my mind and order it to punish itself.

Downstairs I saw my Mother waiting patiently on a chair while my Father impatiently was tapping his cane against is foot.

"About time- let's go."

I maintained as much dignity I could as Mother gave me a short hug and gave a serious nod after Father told me "Do us proud."

Soon I carried my feather-light trunk through the train in search of Crabbe and Goyle.

I found the two lunks had already claimed a cabin and were playing exploding snap, though knowing my feelings on that juvenile game immediatly stopped upon my entrance.

"Crabbe, Goyle, come with me- I have networking to do." Say what you will about the filthy Muggles, they had their uses. The memories taught me better than Father had managed the fine art of making friends and influencing people.

Harry Potter was most likely lost to me for now- first impressions counted for an unbelievable amount and it was obvious he already chose his side by mere coincidence of his birth and no doubt the half-baked schemes to integrate the boy with Weasleys. You would think after seeing how the worthless Muggles dared lay hands on a Wizard he'd be on the right side.

That didn't mean there was no benefit to trying, at the very least least annoying a Weasley.

More importantly, there were more students of worth than some stupid half-blood.

Sure, my mind was a bit of a mess and I had little idea what I wished to achieve, but no matter what knowing the right people will help in any number of situations.

After greeting the right minded Purebloods- most of whom I already knew I started looking for new contacts.

A disheveled boy going compartment to compartment was my first mark.

"H..Have any of you seen a toad?"

I snorted and the boy jumped in fright. "Come with me Longbottom, I'll get your toad." I didn't have to look behind me to know that the oafs were baffled but they were of no matter.

"Um, that's.. that's okay- um-"

"Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, and it is of no importance. Purebloods should support one another." Nearly light-dribble but tolerable to say, it was even true. Thinking about it, killing the blood traitors wasn't the right way to go about things, and as I dragged a protesting nervous Neville along I mused that there just weren't enough wizards to spare- the traitors and mudbloods could make perfectly fine concubines, perhaps even set up some breeding camps...

I knocked on the last cabin door, an annoyed looking teen opened up.

"What do you want twerps?"

A slight sneer at the insult but I let it pass by me, "Longbottom here has lost his toad, can you cast a quick summoning spell?"

Looking incredibly put-upon the teen said "Fine, what's the toad's name?"

Neville catching on that he really could get him back managed to say "Trevor sir" without that annoying stutter.

"Accio Trevor" the Prefect muttered with a come hither motion with his wand, "Should be - ah" he caught it as it zoomed over our heads and was back in the cabin before Neville could thank him.

"Thanks Malfoy." He seemed genuinely surprised to be saying that, and I gave a pleased smirk and nod.

We parted ways and it was time for the fated encounter.

I knocked- people appreciated politeness even those undeserving of it and a soulless abomination opened the cabin door.

"Whutchu want?" The red beast spat with a glare displaying the half chewed candy in his mouth.

My look of utmost disgust didn't phase what was obviously a Weasley, and I quickly pushed past him, his impotent shout of "Hey! What the-" Crabbe and Goyle Merlin bless them stopped him from doing something foolish as I nodded to the other boy. "Potter, I'm Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, I'm pleased to properly make your acquaintance." I held out a hand which he looked at like it was venomous.

I sighed and did my best for a sad look as I retracted my offered hand, ignoring the Weasel's uncouth laughter at my introduction. "I do apologize for my behavior as we were getting our robes- it was a rather stressful day, I had hoped we could start fresh..."

He blinked and took on an astonished look as if no one had ever apologized to him before, and seemed to think about it- his emotions on clear display for everyone.

"I guess I can understand that, but if you were really sorry why did you push Ron?" He said slowly and cautiously.

I grimaced "What would you do if a member of a family that was at war with yours spat half digested food in your direction? Honestly Potter, I do hope you teach it some manners if you decide to keep it."

"Hey, I'm not a pet or somethin' and I've got plenty of manners- mor'an you!" The red faced Red head spat out.

I didn't dignify that with a response and Harry seemed unsure. I sighed, I knew this wasn't likely to work.

"Very well, I see that you'll need time about to think about it- but despite what you've been told not every Slytherin is the epitome of evil, nor is every Gryffindor some noble well-mannered knight." A glance in Weasley's direction with a light sneer to emphasize my point, and I was soon making my way out of the cabin before Weasley could string together an insult, his reddening face impotently glaring at me.

I smiled, even if it didn't work that had been rather fun, and surely I had sown doubt in Potter's mind.


End file.
